Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I'm clear ... you're clear ... oxygen CLEAR ...

It's been awhile since I blogged.


But I'm resurrecting my personal blog to document this upcoming year.


If you read the post from my jewelry blog you saw that I will be turning 35 this year.

35 cue panic!!

This has been my "scary single-girl age" for quite sometime. Why? For a number of reasons I won't get into lest I start to hyperventilate.

But I've been surprised to discover that as my birthday grows ever nearer, I'm feeling more and more excited to move forward! So to celebrate this change of attitude, I'm doing 35 things that I've wanted to do but have scared me to do ... with some things I just want to do thrown in for fun.

This list isn't complete just yet, but a few of the items on it are:
     1. Do my first marathon (MidMountain Trail Marathon September 8th!)
     2. Do an Xterra outside of Utah
     3. Join a master's swim team
     4. Complete a half ironman
     5. Give my number to a guy I don't know but think is cute

So stay tuned! This is going to be the most scarily awesome year yet!

Monday, May 24, 2010


It's been a rough week. Carrie finally lost her battle with leukemia. I had a feeling that she would lose her life to this disease but I didn't think it would be so soon. Or at least I hoped I still had time with her. But I do know that that although I do not understand why, it was her time to go. She had received blessings and had enough faith to be healed, as did all her family and friends praying for her. And since miracles follow faith it had to be her time to go. That little bit of understanding and peace has helped bring some closure. But I miss her.

I also thought I'd explain where my nickname for her (McT) came from. After her thyroid cancer surgery she twitched a lot whenever her calcium levels were off. Which was often. So I called her Twitchy McTwitch which then got shortened to McT. We started emailing each other frequently when she was radioactive and quarantined and kept that going until she passed away. Still doesn't seem real. I catch myself checking my email at work hoping that she's written me back.

Her friendship was a gift. A direct answer to prayer. Her support got me through some seriously rough times over the years. I always knew that no matter what ridiculous thing I was going through, she would understand and empathize with me about it. Boyfriends, family, friends, pets — whatever lame thing I was dealing with, she would understand and make me feel better. She was a spiritual rock and would help anchor me whenever I was feeling adrift and lost.

But best of all she was funny! She was always smiling and laughing. Even when she was in so much pain during the last few months she would smile and joke.

I could go on but there's not really anything more to say. She was a great friend and I am looking forward to seeing her again. As you can tell I borrowed some pictures of her to post here (got to love facebook!) and I have had a couple people ask what I said at her funeral so I'm posting my remarks and Dorian's awesome video below.


I met Carrie when I oriented her to work as a nurse on the Infant Unit at Primary Children's. Over the years we became close friends and I am honored to be here representing her PCMC family.

As a nurse Carrie was exceptional. She was intelligent, calm in a crisis, and had excellent clinical assessment skills. She recognized subtle changes in her patients' condition and knew what to do to prevent their condition from deteriorating. If you had a child in the hospital you wanted her standing at their bedside.

Beyond her clinical skills, she LOVED her patients and she treated them like she would her own children. She made sure they were held, loved, and cared for every shift she worked. She made hair bows for the baby girls and brought elastics for pigtails. When Primary's switched brands of lotion she always had her own supply of our beloved Johnson's and Johnson's baby lotion so her patients wouldn't smell like Sween Cream.

She cared for all the parents as well and several became dear friends. She'd often ask me if I remembered a parent and say something like "Oh she was the mom of a patient we had on the unit 4 or 5 years ago" and then give me an update on how the patient was doing, what the parents were doing, and how all the siblings were as well.

As a coworker she was a delight. She made coming to work something I anticipated and enjoyed. My favorite days were when we worked weekends together and the charge nurse the night before (usually Allison) hooked us up to work on the same pod with Meredith and some of our other friends like Marianne and Becky. Working with her was always more of a team effort. She never asked if you needed help with your patient load she just helped when she saw a need. Alarms got answered, meds were flushed — she took care of everyone.

And we had so much fun. She had a great sense of humor and her laugh was infectious. We bounced quarters off her bum to prove she had buns of steel. Which she did. They were incredible. She practiced cheer moves on B pod and showed us some of her old routines. She gave us nicknames like Luna, Big Bird, Kitty, and One-L, to name a few. Many of you don’t even realize you had a nickname — but you did.

She loved making people laugh. One of our social workers was named Janet Jackson and any time I was talking to Janet, Carrie would come whisper in my ear: "It’s Janet: Miss Jackson, if you're nasty!" Or when I was talking to physicians she would stand behind them and make faces at me and try to get me to crack up laughing.

She remembered details about the people she worked with and genuinely cared about what was going in their lives. Whenever anyone was having a baby or getting married, she made certain to get them a gift. And she was always emotionally present with everyone and that made her a great listener.

Those were actually my favorite times with her. Our talks. We'd talk about anything and everything. She'd tell me about whatever new thing Kaden was in to and the cute things he'd do with his sister; how big Kenadee was getting and all the ways she'd express her personality. And always about Dorian and how lucky she felt to have him as a rock she could always lean on no matter what was going on in her life. Whenever we talked, no matter what burdens I carried they always felt lighter because I knew she truly cared about me and was carrying them with me.

She loved effortlessly. She truly was an angel on earth and many times acted directly as God's hands in my life.

Since she passed and I've been thinking about what to say today, I've thought about all the things that made her so incredibly special. Everything I thought of came back to that gift of loving others so genuinely. I think her greatest gift was allowing others to feel through her a glimpse of the unselfish love Jesus Christ has for each of us. She truly embodied charity — which is the pure love of Christ. As described by the apostle Paul in 1 Cor 13:4-8 :

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity denieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth."

Elder Dallin Oaks explained that "the reason charity never fails and the reason charity is greater than even the most significant acts of goodness is that charity is a condition. A state of being." And Carrie was there. She wasn't merely trying to live a Christ like life, she embodied His love and showed me how I could be a better nurse and a better friend through her example.

I miss my friend.

In conclusion I just want to tell her ‘goodbye’ officially:


I hope you know how much I treasure our friendship and I am so grateful to know that relationships don't end when we stop living. I'm excited to see you again and am honored to have played a small part in your story. And remember, you and I have a date. You promised you'd be sitting next to me at my wedding and I am holding you to it.

Love you, McT.


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

5 Months

Well. It's been 5 months since I posted anything. Although some days can seem never ending and mind numblingly slow, its the end of freaking May 2010! Crap.

So I'm going to hit the highlights of the blur that is the last 5 months and make this blog UTD.

  • I passed my CV module! Yee-haw! The testing was a grueling 2 hour oral exam — well, grueling may be a bit melodramatic. But it was stressful but now it's done! And ironically, while I was actually doing my training to be a CV nurse I rarely got heart patients. Now that I passed it's all I get. Don't understand their training methods or staffing methods. And to be honest, I don't think there's much rhyme or reason to much the PICU does sometimes. But whateves. Working there pays the bills.
  • Did my first 25k (15.5 miles) run and a trail run at that! Had a great time except for the crippling stomach cramps that had me doubled over in pain for most of the last 2 miles.

  • I went to Mexico with Staci in March! It was fabulous. We had perfect weather and got massages on the beach. In a word: awesome

  • I came home from vay-cay to a flooded basement and lived in chaos for the next 2 months

  • My little jewelry business is holding its own. It's paying for itself and a little more. Which is exactly what I hoped for.
  • But most importantly and tragically, I watched my dear friend Carrie "McT' Carroll be diagnosed and then pass away from leukemia. That's all I'm going to say about that now because Carrie deserves her own post. I'm speaking at the funeral on Friday and will create a post just for her after that.

Just shows that a LOT can change in 5 months. So live in the present and enjoy all the gifts of life that surround you! You just never know when they won't be there any more. Love and miss you, McT.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I'm in love, I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!

Yes, I'm in love. I have finally found the one I will be with forever. My Dyson Animal vacuum arrived last week and it is HEAVEN. HEAVEN, people! I finally feel like my house is actually clean. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The story of the vacuum began the week before Thanksgiving. Meredith and enjoy rug doctoring our carpets (another VERY satisfying cleaning experience!) every so often and she rented a machine and cleaned her carpets and then gave the machine to me to clean mine. Even though I vacuumed thoroughly beforehand, I was disturbed by how much hair (Sasha's not mine) the rug doctor pulled out of my carpet. There were literally handfuls of hair in the dirty water! So I convo-ed Mere and asked if she got any hair up when she did her carpets? None! BUT she has a Dyson Animal vacuum and I was using my increasingly unsatisfactory Hoover Elite Rewind. I'd been coveting a Dyson for some time but that experience sealed the deal. My Christmas present to myself (the single peeps out there have to take care of themselves!) would be a new vacuum.

Some Black Friday online shopping and a Kohl's secret sale led me to my wondrous purchase. I've taken pictures to demonstrate. And let me just say I filled up the canister three — THREE — times when I vacuumed for the first time! I was amazed at how much dirt it got out! It actually lightened the shade of my upstairs carpet! I could go on and on but I finally feel like I have successfully de-haired my house. It even pulled out long white animal hair! And none of the animals who live in or visit my house have long white hair! SICK!! But now, who cares?! The Dyson Animal will take care of EVERYTHING!

These pics came after vacuuming my living room upstairs. JUST my living room!! Incredible!

Also have to add a couple updates since my last entry. I'm very VERY pleased to say that my little business, Sunshine Girl Jewelry, is up and running! And even more astonishing, I've actually sold 2 baby bracelets to people in two different states! Amazingly Jamie in AZ and Muriel in SC loved my stuff on Etsy enough to pay me for it!! Totally awesome. The boutique was a great success as well, and I have all of my friends and family to thank! SO thank you thank you thank you to everyone for all the support. I enjoy making my little trinkets and am flattered that anybody likes it as much as I do. For now it seems like my business might actually be able to pay for itself — which is what I was hoping for! So if you're ever in the mood for some new jewels, I'd love to make something for you. Keeps me out of trouble.

I also went to Gaytopia, otherwise known as the Kathy Griffin concert. I know, I know. I have previously kept my liking of all things Kathy on the DL as she is quite foul. But oh so funny! We all have our guilty pleasures and her comedy is definitely one of mine. Anyway, LeeAnn and I went and the concert was great but it was also a cultural experience. 80% if the audience was homosexual. And I'm really not exaggerating. A lady who was sitting next to me with her boyfriend leaned over to me and said "I think we're out numbered!" Um, YEAH!! Understatement of the century! And everyone seemed to know each other! It's like they're all is some big club and somehow I happened to be in the same place. Or as LeeAnn put it, it felt like we were at their family reunion. Very bizarre. But funny!

Small update on the dating scene, I did actually go on a blind date with a normal boy. Thanks to Jessica P for the set up (my post about Man Boobs resonated as a call to action for which I am grateful). Nothing came of it BUT it was nice to realize again that there actually are normal single males out there. After the Kathy Griffin Cultural Experience it seemed like all the men were either crazy pervs like Man Boobs or gay. So it was nice to be given hope for an alternative. It gave enough fuel to keep my little hope torch burning. I'll admit it's a bit dimmer now than it has been before, but it's still burning! And for now that's enough.

So I'm soon to be embarking on my 33rd year of life! To kick things off in January I'm going to be thinking of the 33 things that make my life wonderful and the 33 NEW things I'm going to do next year. So get excited for those posts!!

Have to close with a couple pics of my cute little peeps who always give me hugs and make me feel like a million bucks! And THAT is awesome.

Chances are slim I'll actually post anything on here until after the holidays so Sasha and I are wishing you all the Merriest of Christmases and the Happiest of New Years!

Sunday, November 8, 2009


For the freaking love of all that is holy. Where are the normal decent guys? They MUST be out there! Maybe they're hiding in Home Depot or something. I know plenty of cute single girls (present company included) who don't list much besides a job and a decent personality as qualities they'd like in a boyfriend. But even those two qualities seem a bit lofty these days.

So let me clue ya'll in to the reason for my latest soapbox. In case you haven't heard, I'm single. And I've been out with a wide variety of dudes searching for my elusive EC. The pickings have never been particularly bounteous but sometimes they have been plentiful enough that I was hopeful some normal boys were in my midst. Sadly the pickings have become really slim lately. Ethiopian-starving-children-circa-"We are the World" slim. First there's Head Injury Widower Boy. I know, I name them all sorts of wacky things. But I've gone out with lots of Johns, Davids, and Matts so it prevents confusion.

Anyway, I first met HIW last year when I signed up with LDS Linkup — my first commitment to online dating. At the time he'd had a horrible injury and shattered his femur mountain biking. We talked on the phone a couple times and because of the way he talked and what he said I thought he must have sustained some sort of head injury (hence the name) and I wondered if his wife had died with this accident. And honestly widowers make me a little leery. I worry I'd never live up to the legend of the dead wife. You know what I mean? She could have been a total shrew but the lucky fact is that she popped it before her time and can therefore be immortalized in fantasy and reign atop her ivory tower for eternity. And then there's the whole thought of having to be a multiple wife in eternity. Ick! I know it will all get worked out in heaven, blah blah blah, but why take the chance if you can avoid it?

Anyway I got kind of an odd vibe and went out with some other guys and never talked to him again. So at the end of the summer I started doing more to drum up some business for myself and met up with HIW again. He bikes, I bike, we emailed about biking before it got too cold, then I got bronchitis so that was out for awhile. Anyway, we finally talked again. Struck me as a bit odd that he remembered NOTHING from last year. Nothing! Didn't remember we'd talked. Then the way he talked again — while not AS alarming — still made me wonder if he was just really shy/socially awkward or if he was a little messed in the head.

Last week I went to get my hair done and was chatting with my hair dresser about my pathetic love life (she hadn't heard about Circue du Soleil Boy or the current ones) and apparently her brother is HIW's roommate! Small world I tell you! AND he DID have a head injury!! More alarmingly he still has pictures of his dead wife all over the house (SEE!! Immortalized forever!!) and has major issues because he was driving when they had the horrible accident that killed his wife. I felt totally validated! Go with your instincts, people! And yes yes his whole scenario is terribly tragic blah blah blah. I feel bad for the dude. But not bad enough to willingly hook myself up to that baggage train!

My other dating option has been Man Boobs. I know. Unfortunate nickname. But he has them and at the end of this story you'll be thinking of worse nicknames for him anyway. So Man Boobs came to me via eharmony. And I hang my head down in shame that I didn't cut off ties to eharmony when I first cancelled my membership a few months ago. But I tell you now I have cut ALL ties to that organization! But that is a different rant for a different day.

Anywho, MB and I went through the whole eharmony schtick. After we got to the level where you can write emails to each other he asked if he could call. So I gave him my number. His profile lists him living in Newton, UT which is up near Logan so I didn't really think much about him. A couple weeks ago he texted me and we chatted via text for a couple minutes and then he asked me out. Found out he actually lives in Taylorsville so we made plans to meet up at Trolley Square. He told me I should wear something hot. I told him I'd be smoking hot because that's how I roll. He then told me he meant because it was cold out. Ha Ha. Whatever. So that became his little joke. "Wear something hot." Annoying but my standards are low.

So the day came for the date and I just couldn't face the thought of going out with him. He'd never called me and only ever texted and then had these "jokes" about me wearing something hot. Because it's getting cold out. Ha ha. I just wasn't emotionally willing to face him as my dating option. So I cancelled and he said he'd have had to cancel anyway.

We were both busy for the next couple weeks but he texted again this past Monday and since I was in a better emotional place, we made plans to go out Friday. Again with the wearing something hot nonsense. He's 30 btw. Not 18 as you may be thinking. Thursday comes and he texts me to ask if we're still on because "otherwise I've got a lot of side projects I could do." Ouch! Mind you I wasn't exactly clicking my heels at the thought of this date but I wasn't looking for a way out either! So we texted back and forth and I asked him why he would say that and that I had a party I could go to instead and should we just be done with trying to go out? He replied that he totally wanted to go out and his question just came out wrong. Whatever weirdo. When you CALL people you can avoid miscommunications like this!

Fateful Friday arrived. I got a text from him at 5 clarifying the time we were meeting. I replied but he kept texting me about what we could do after dinner. Movie? was one text. Makeout? was the next. I was replying to those two when he sent a third: Hot steamy sex? At this point I could be jokey and play along but he was starting to push boundaries. I told him he was getting ahead of himself and I didn't even know if he'd be bringing mints! It just went downhill from there. He said he'd bring mints and protection hahaha. I told him he needed a cold shower. He then asked if I wanted to join him. After that I stopped responding. But he kept on going! Told me to wear sexy panties. Asked if I liked it rough or soft and gentle. Yuck yuck YUCK!! 17 texts in 30 minutes! I felt totally violated and told him he'd made me uncomfortable and he totally crossed the line, we obviously didn't fit, and dinner was off. Stupid douche bag! All of this coming from a guy I nick named MAN BOOBS! The creepy loser! During our first text conversation he asked if I was Mormon. Because he asked the question I assumed he wasn't and replied that I was and if that turned him off. He replied, "oh no! I'm Mormon too. Just checking." Okay, he's Mormon but then he treats me like that! WTF?!! Thank goodness I never met this dirt bag! Ickity ick!!

And those two reasons are why I am done — DUN! I will no longer be accepting applications from crazy people. If I have a bad vibe about you, forget it! Let your freak flag fly someplace else! I'm not saying I won't be giving people the benefit of the doubt but I am releasing myself from guilt. If I don't want to go out with someone I don't have to do it. And that's just fine! Doesn't mean I'm extinguishing my hope of finding someone special. I'm just being a bit nicer to myself. As Meredith said, "are you REALLY going to marry someone you've nicknamed Man Boobs?" The answer is no. I never nickname the boys I like.

On to something positive. Even though dating times are less than ideal, I do have my jewelry to keep me occupied. I'm posting some pics of some things I've been working on. Most of you know I'm participating in a boutique on November 20th. After that I'll be setting up a storefront on etsy to sell my wares or you could buy them direct from me through my blog if you're ever interested. So here are some of my favorite pieces:

Bracelet made with magnesite stones and sterling sliver beads
various bracelets for babies - school age kids

Earrings with aquamarine stones wrapped with sterling silver wire and pearl drops attached to the bottom

Sterling silver leaf earrings
Bracelet with sterling silver and fresh water pearls

I almost forgot! I did have something fabulous happen this month! I got to live out my 7th grade dream and was on the front row at a B-52s concert! Totally awesome!! None of them have aged particularly well but Kate Pierson looked like she'd stuffed herself into a leather sausage casing and wandered there from rehab. Luckily her microphone was off at one point or she would have started singing too early when they sang "Roam." BUT it was still fabulous! They sounded awesome and Cindy Wilson and Fred Schneider were great. Here are a couple pics from that epic event:

Cindy beating her bongos

So there you have it. My life in the pathetic nutshell it currently resides. Keep on keeping on, peeps!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Plan B

This week I got to babysit my two favorite little people two days instead of just the usual one and I had a lot of fun. Even though Wednesday Bea's nap was early in the day and not long — which made for a every emotional afternoon.

I discovered that she seriously digs chocolate pudding —which I used to my advantage after one of her more intense melt downs. Nothing calms nerves like a belly — and face — full of chocolate. The top picture was taken after her 4th cup of the day. Hee hee! Babysitter of the year right here! Good thing I bought it in bulk at Costco.

Sam's getting very good at keeping his head up. And he keeps growing! What's up with that?! Every time I see him he's sprouted another size.

Anyway, on day two of babysitting I had a little epiphany and came up with a back up plan in case I don't find the circus performer of my dreams. So Meredith has told me that I can share her children and dogs — really a win win situation. For me it's almost like being a grandparent. I can spoil them and love them but then give them back when they're grumpy or 16 years old. Since Bret seems to be willing to hang on to our relationship, I could get back together with him to get some action (some nooky on occasion would be nice) and a weekly date! Obviously I would have to draw up a legally binding contract that would keep him living in his house in South Jordan and keep me (and my credit) very safely away from his business debt. Genius, eh! I like to call it the Southam Plan. With all my love to Denise.

In other news, I'm kind of obsessed with plans to make some really cool jewelry pieces. Some of the girls at work (Kay Tamoa and Deana Snook Busch) sent out an email that they were putting together a craft fair thing for people to sell their handmade stuff. And I told them I'd be interested in selling my jewelry. Some of you know I make jewelry, most probably don't. Anyway, this fair thing has really lit a spark in me and I'm seriously excited to work with metals and create some unique stuff. I'm sure as weeks go by you'll be seeing pictures of the pieces I'm creating in here. I'm hoping to sell enough stuff to pay for some more metal to make MORE cool things! I'm even thinking of selling my stuff on Etsy. Definitely love to do it and it's given me something to focus on now that fall is approaching and my tan is fading.

It might even keep me from implementing Plan Southam for awhile . . .

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Friend request


Bret popped up again. It's been a couple months since I'd heard from him before last Thursday night. Pop up night. As per usual I got a random text asking how I was doing. Like we were chums. Like there was no history. Like it was perfectly normal for him to nonchalantly show up in my present tense. It really made me mad. Which is actually a good thing. Every other time he's done this I've been dating someone or about to go on a date I'd been anticipating. So every other time I'd had the crutch of another possibility to lean on for extra support to keep him at arm's length.

Although the wake of his previous pop-up in July sent me into a little emotional tailspin. For those keeping score at home, the last time I saw Bret was the day I went out with VNB Spencer, the circus performer in training. You know, the one with anger issues. It took a few days to crawl out of that emotional hole. It was the first time I really questioned whether I had made the right decision and if I really knew we weren't supposed to be together. And maybe he WAS as good as it would get for me. Ugly time and it left me bruised. What I discovered this weekend is I don't need a crutch any more. I'm done with him and this and I want to move on. THAT'S why I was angry. He keeps pulling off the scabs on emotional wounds that could have healed well — wounds that are now turning into angry keloid scars from so much irritation. (It's my bed time and I get a little melodramatic when I'm tired so bear with me)

Naturally, being Bret, he's not going away without a fight. Granted a passive aggressive fight, but a fight nonetheless. I blew off an invitation from him for dinner after my shift on Saturday and didn't hear from him again that weekend. Thought I was in the clear and that he'd finally taken the hint I wanted distance from him, until I woke up Wednesday morning. He'd sent me a message on facebook telling me that he'd finally joined and hoped I'd add him as a friend. RAGE. Rage rage rage. I knew I never wanted to see or hear from him again.

My rage simmered down through the day but before I lost my nerve (and after a text pep talk from Mere) I texted him to call me. That we needed to talk. Never a good sign, right? The "we need to talk" line? Figured it would let him know I meant business. I should have just texted him never to contact me again. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

He called and just chatted my ear off. We joked and teased each other and my anger melted to frustration. After 45 minutes or so I laid it out for him. Asked him what he expected from me and our relationship. Told him how hard it was for me when he popped up like this and that I had been planning to tell him to never contact me again but now I just don't know what to do with him. I told him that I never questioned that I made the right decision but every time he showed up in my life like this, he opened up all those feelings and I was starting to resent him for it and that it felt like he didn't care about how his decisions were affecting me. He then told me that he did consider that it was hard for me which was why he was trying not to contact me. But he couldn't not contact me! He figured he needed to at least check in to see how I was doing. He also couldn't say he just considered us friends. And he did still think about us and that we could get back together and that he would still really like to marry me, but he knows that's not where I'm at right now.


He just doesn't get it and never will. And at some point I will have to tell him to never contact me again. It just made me ache for the real deal. It was never Bret but I still don't know who it is. And it's nights like this that make me feel a little hollow inside. I'm alone with my cat and going to bed at 9:30 to gear up for a 3 day marathon of work. Feels pretty empty.


I am over him. Don't want him back and no longer have any doubts that I made the right decision. AND, more importantly, I got to watch my pseudo kids today and it was awesome. Meredith is back to work so I am getting back into my babysitting routine. And it really makes my day. Everything is good when Ms Bea comes and throws her arms around my neck for a hug. And Sam is getting bigger and cuter each day. I love them and they give me hope of good things to come. I know that we get to be angels in each others' lives and these two little people — and their parents — are definitely some of the many angels in mine.

Sam focusing very hard on keeping in his binki

Bea's new favorite place to sit and watch TV: the cat condo in my room

Getting in a little tummy time

Could you resist that face when she wanted to drink your Diet Mtn Dew?