Jill's World: Friend request

*sigh*

Bret popped up again. It's been a couple months since I'd heard from him before last Thursday night. Pop up night. As per usual I got a random text asking how I was doing. Like we were chums. Like there was no history. Like it was perfectly normal for him to nonchalantly show up in my present tense. It really made me mad. Which is actually a good thing. Every other time he's done this I've been dating someone or about to go on a date I'd been anticipating. So every other time I'd had the crutch of another possibility to lean on for extra support to keep him at arm's length.

Although the wake of his previous pop-up in July sent me into a little emotional tailspin. For those keeping score at home, the last time I saw Bret was the day I went out with VNB Spencer, the circus performer in training. You know, the one with anger issues. It took a few days to crawl out of that emotional hole. It was the first time I really questioned whether I had made the right decision and if I really knew we weren't supposed to be together. And maybe he WAS as good as it would get for me. Ugly time and it left me bruised. What I discovered this weekend is I don't need a crutch any more. I'm done with him and this and I want to move on. THAT'S why I was angry. He keeps pulling off the scabs on emotional wounds that could have healed well — wounds that are now turning into angry keloid scars from so much irritation. (It's my bed time and I get a little melodramatic when I'm tired so bear with me)

Naturally, being Bret, he's not going away without a fight. Granted a passive aggressive fight, but a fight nonetheless. I blew off an invitation from him for dinner after my shift on Saturday and didn't hear from him again that weekend. Thought I was in the clear and that he'd finally taken the hint I wanted distance from him, until I woke up Wednesday morning. He'd sent me a message on facebook telling me that he'd finally joined and hoped I'd add him as a friend. RAGE. Rage rage rage. I knew I never wanted to see or hear from him again.

My rage simmered down through the day but before I lost my nerve (and after a text pep talk from Mere) I texted him to call me. That we needed to talk. Never a good sign, right? The "we need to talk" line? Figured it would let him know I meant business. I should have just texted him never to contact me again. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

He called and just chatted my ear off. We joked and teased each other and my anger melted to frustration. After 45 minutes or so I laid it out for him. Asked him what he expected from me and our relationship. Told him how hard it was for me when he popped up like this and that I had been planning to tell him to never contact me again but now I just don't know what to do with him. I told him that I never questioned that I made the right decision but every time he showed up in my life like this, he opened up all those feelings and I was starting to resent him for it and that it felt like he didn't care about how his decisions were affecting me. He then told me that he did consider that it was hard for me which was why he was trying not to contact me. But he couldn't not contact me! He figured he needed to at least check in to see how I was doing. He also couldn't say he just considered us friends. And he did still think about us and that we could get back together and that he would still really like to marry me, but he knows that's not where I'm at right now.

*sigh*

He just doesn't get it and never will. And at some point I will have to tell him to never contact me again. It just made me ache for the real deal. It was never Bret but I still don't know who it is. And it's nights like this that make me feel a little hollow inside. I'm alone with my cat and going to bed at 9:30 to gear up for a 3 day marathon of work. Feels pretty empty.

BUT

I am over him. Don't want him back and no longer have any doubts that I made the right decision. AND, more importantly, I got to watch my pseudo kids today and it was awesome. Meredith is back to work so I am getting back into my babysitting routine. And it really makes my day. Everything is good when Ms Bea comes and throws her arms around my neck for a hug. And Sam is getting bigger and cuter each day. I love them and they give me hope of good things to come. I know that we get to be angels in each others' lives and these two little people — and their parents — are definitely some of the many angels in mine.