Plan B

This week I got to babysit my two favorite little people two days instead of just the usual one and I had a lot of fun. Even though Wednesday Bea's nap was early in the day and not long — which made for a every emotional afternoon.

I discovered that she seriously digs chocolate pudding —which I used to my advantage after one of her more intense melt downs. Nothing calms nerves like a belly — and face — full of chocolate. The top picture was taken after her 4th cup of the day. Hee hee! Babysitter of the year right here! Good thing I bought it in bulk at Costco.

Sam's getting very good at keeping his head up. And he keeps growing! What's up with that?! Every time I see him he's sprouted another size.

Anyway, on day two of babysitting I had a little epiphany and came up with a back up plan in case I don't find the circus performer of my dreams. So Meredith has told me that I can share her children and dogs — really a win win situation. For me it's almost like being a grandparent. I can spoil them and love them but then give them back when they're grumpy or 16 years old. Since Bret seems to be willing to hang on to our relationship, I could get back together with him to get some action (some nooky on occasion would be nice) and a weekly date! Obviously I would have to draw up a legally binding contract that would keep him living in his house in South Jordan and keep me (and my credit) very safely away from his business debt. Genius, eh! I like to call it the Southam Plan. With all my love to Denise.

In other news, I'm kind of obsessed with plans to make some really cool jewelry pieces. Some of the girls at work (Kay Tamoa and Deana Snook Busch) sent out an email that they were putting together a craft fair thing for people to sell their handmade stuff. And I told them I'd be interested in selling my jewelry. Some of you know I make jewelry, most probably don't. Anyway, this fair thing has really lit a spark in me and I'm seriously excited to work with metals and create some unique stuff. I'm sure as weeks go by you'll be seeing pictures of the pieces I'm creating in here. I'm hoping to sell enough stuff to pay for some more metal to make MORE cool things! I'm even thinking of selling my stuff on Etsy. Definitely love to do it and it's given me something to focus on now that fall is approaching and my tan is fading.

It might even keep me from implementing Plan Southam for awhile . . .

Friend request

*sigh*

Bret popped up again. It's been a couple months since I'd heard from him before last Thursday night. Pop up night. As per usual I got a random text asking how I was doing. Like we were chums. Like there was no history. Like it was perfectly normal for him to nonchalantly show up in my present tense. It really made me mad. Which is actually a good thing. Every other time he's done this I've been dating someone or about to go on a date I'd been anticipating. So every other time I'd had the crutch of another possibility to lean on for extra support to keep him at arm's length.

Although the wake of his previous pop-up in July sent me into a little emotional tailspin. For those keeping score at home, the last time I saw Bret was the day I went out with VNB Spencer, the circus performer in training. You know, the one with anger issues. It took a few days to crawl out of that emotional hole. It was the first time I really questioned whether I had made the right decision and if I really knew we weren't supposed to be together. And maybe he WAS as good as it would get for me. Ugly time and it left me bruised. What I discovered this weekend is I don't need a crutch any more. I'm done with him and this and I want to move on. THAT'S why I was angry. He keeps pulling off the scabs on emotional wounds that could have healed well — wounds that are now turning into angry keloid scars from so much irritation. (It's my bed time and I get a little melodramatic when I'm tired so bear with me)

Naturally, being Bret, he's not going away without a fight. Granted a passive aggressive fight, but a fight nonetheless. I blew off an invitation from him for dinner after my shift on Saturday and didn't hear from him again that weekend. Thought I was in the clear and that he'd finally taken the hint I wanted distance from him, until I woke up Wednesday morning. He'd sent me a message on facebook telling me that he'd finally joined and hoped I'd add him as a friend. RAGE. Rage rage rage. I knew I never wanted to see or hear from him again.

My rage simmered down through the day but before I lost my nerve (and after a text pep talk from Mere) I texted him to call me. That we needed to talk. Never a good sign, right? The "we need to talk" line? Figured it would let him know I meant business. I should have just texted him never to contact me again. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

He called and just chatted my ear off. We joked and teased each other and my anger melted to frustration. After 45 minutes or so I laid it out for him. Asked him what he expected from me and our relationship. Told him how hard it was for me when he popped up like this and that I had been planning to tell him to never contact me again but now I just don't know what to do with him. I told him that I never questioned that I made the right decision but every time he showed up in my life like this, he opened up all those feelings and I was starting to resent him for it and that it felt like he didn't care about how his decisions were affecting me. He then told me that he did consider that it was hard for me which was why he was trying not to contact me. But he couldn't not contact me! He figured he needed to at least check in to see how I was doing. He also couldn't say he just considered us friends. And he did still think about us and that we could get back together and that he would still really like to marry me, but he knows that's not where I'm at right now.

*sigh*

He just doesn't get it and never will. And at some point I will have to tell him to never contact me again. It just made me ache for the real deal. It was never Bret but I still don't know who it is. And it's nights like this that make me feel a little hollow inside. I'm alone with my cat and going to bed at 9:30 to gear up for a 3 day marathon of work. Feels pretty empty.

BUT

I am over him. Don't want him back and no longer have any doubts that I made the right decision. AND, more importantly, I got to watch my pseudo kids today and it was awesome. Meredith is back to work so I am getting back into my babysitting routine. And it really makes my day. Everything is good when Ms Bea comes and throws her arms around my neck for a hug. And Sam is getting bigger and cuter each day. I love them and they give me hope of good things to come. I know that we get to be angels in each others' lives and these two little people — and their parents — are definitely some of the many angels in mine.

Sam focusing very hard on keeping in his binki

Bea's new favorite place to sit and watch TV: the cat condo in my room

Getting in a little tummy time

Could you resist that face when she wanted to drink your Diet Mtn Dew?

M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E

One set of freshly laundered scrubs: $40

One Diet Mountain Dew for the ride home: $1.25

Watching a wilted old man shuffle across the six lanes of Hwy 89 with his walker and oxygen to Southern Xposure (Utah's only full nudity club! Boo-yah!) from the bus stop : priceless. Literally made my weekend.

This was an awesome week. Flew to Anaheim with LeeAnn so we could spend her 35th birthday at the happiest place on earth. I hadn't been to Disneyland since . . . I don't know . . . 1997 maybe? Had no idea about California Adventure or any of that. And going with LeeAnn was fabulous because she knows all the Disneyland trivia so I had my own personal tour guide! It was a great day and a fabulous way to celebrate her birthday. She got to wear a birthday button and all the workers wished her a happy birthday everywhere we went! And I told everyone else (on the plane, at the hotel, at 7-11 . . .) that we were there to celebrate her day. I'm sure she wanted to kill me by the end but couldn't because murders aren't allowed at Disneyland!

LeeAnn holding her "golden ticket" allowing free admission on her birthday

LeeAnn looking cute and some lunatic with crazy hair and 50 chins on the airplane

No, thank YOU for celebrating with US, Mickey!!

This was the best tasting Diet Coke I've ever had. Which is why I'm making out with it. Best action I've gotten in ages.

Sassy!

We spent the next day lounging around Newport Beach and it was awesome! Super hot though. Felt like we were home lounging at the Great Salt Lake. Ha! Or not.

In tribute to the Bluth family and Arrested Development we stopped and got a frozen banana from a banana stand. "There's always money in the banana stand. . ."

Pretty much a fabulous two day vacation!