D U N

For the freaking love of all that is holy. Where are the normal decent guys? They MUST be out there! Maybe they're hiding in Home Depot or something. I know plenty of cute single girls (present company included) who don't list much besides a job and a decent personality as qualities they'd like in a boyfriend. But even those two qualities seem a bit lofty these days.

So let me clue ya'll in to the reason for my latest soapbox. In case you haven't heard, I'm single. And I've been out with a wide variety of dudes searching for my elusive EC. The pickings have never been particularly bounteous but sometimes they have been plentiful enough that I was hopeful some normal boys were in my midst. Sadly the pickings have become really slim lately. Ethiopian-starving-children-circa-"We are the World" slim. First there's Head Injury Widower Boy. I know, I name them all sorts of wacky things. But I've gone out with lots of Johns, Davids, and Matts so it prevents confusion.

Anyway, I first met HIW last year when I signed up with LDS Linkup — my first commitment to online dating. At the time he'd had a horrible injury and shattered his femur mountain biking. We talked on the phone a couple times and because of the way he talked and what he said I thought he must have sustained some sort of head injury (hence the name) and I wondered if his wife had died with this accident. And honestly widowers make me a little leery. I worry I'd never live up to the legend of the dead wife. You know what I mean? She could have been a total shrew but the lucky fact is that she popped it before her time and can therefore be immortalized in fantasy and reign atop her ivory tower for eternity. And then there's the whole thought of having to be a multiple wife in eternity. Ick! I know it will all get worked out in heaven, blah blah blah, but why take the chance if you can avoid it?

Anyway I got kind of an odd vibe and went out with some other guys and never talked to him again. So at the end of the summer I started doing more to drum up some business for myself and met up with HIW again. He bikes, I bike, we emailed about biking before it got too cold, then I got bronchitis so that was out for awhile. Anyway, we finally talked again. Struck me as a bit odd that he remembered NOTHING from last year. Nothing! Didn't remember we'd talked. Then the way he talked again — while not AS alarming — still made me wonder if he was just really shy/socially awkward or if he was a little messed in the head.

Last week I went to get my hair done and was chatting with my hair dresser about my pathetic love life (she hadn't heard about Circue du Soleil Boy or the current ones) and apparently her brother is HIW's roommate! Small world I tell you! AND he DID have a head injury!! More alarmingly he still has pictures of his dead wife all over the house (SEE!! Immortalized forever!!) and has major issues because he was driving when they had the horrible accident that killed his wife. I felt totally validated! Go with your instincts, people! And yes yes his whole scenario is terribly tragic blah blah blah. I feel bad for the dude. But not bad enough to willingly hook myself up to that baggage train!

My other dating option has been Man Boobs. I know. Unfortunate nickname. But he has them and at the end of this story you'll be thinking of worse nicknames for him anyway. So Man Boobs came to me via eharmony. And I hang my head down in shame that I didn't cut off ties to eharmony when I first cancelled my membership a few months ago. But I tell you now I have cut ALL ties to that organization! But that is a different rant for a different day.

Anywho, MB and I went through the whole eharmony schtick. After we got to the level where you can write emails to each other he asked if he could call. So I gave him my number. His profile lists him living in Newton, UT which is up near Logan so I didn't really think much about him. A couple weeks ago he texted me and we chatted via text for a couple minutes and then he asked me out. Found out he actually lives in Taylorsville so we made plans to meet up at Trolley Square. He told me I should wear something hot. I told him I'd be smoking hot because that's how I roll. He then told me he meant because it was cold out. Ha Ha. Whatever. So that became his little joke. "Wear something hot." Annoying but my standards are low.

So the day came for the date and I just couldn't face the thought of going out with him. He'd never called me and only ever texted and then had these "jokes" about me wearing something hot. Because it's getting cold out. Ha ha. I just wasn't emotionally willing to face him as my dating option. So I cancelled and he said he'd have had to cancel anyway.

We were both busy for the next couple weeks but he texted again this past Monday and since I was in a better emotional place, we made plans to go out Friday. Again with the wearing something hot nonsense. He's 30 btw. Not 18 as you may be thinking. Thursday comes and he texts me to ask if we're still on because "otherwise I've got a lot of side projects I could do." Ouch! Mind you I wasn't exactly clicking my heels at the thought of this date but I wasn't looking for a way out either! So we texted back and forth and I asked him why he would say that and that I had a party I could go to instead and should we just be done with trying to go out? He replied that he totally wanted to go out and his question just came out wrong. Whatever weirdo. When you CALL people you can avoid miscommunications like this!

Fateful Friday arrived. I got a text from him at 5 clarifying the time we were meeting. I replied but he kept texting me about what we could do after dinner. Movie? was one text. Makeout? was the next. I was replying to those two when he sent a third: Hot steamy sex? At this point I could be jokey and play along but he was starting to push boundaries. I told him he was getting ahead of himself and I didn't even know if he'd be bringing mints! It just went downhill from there. He said he'd bring mints and protection hahaha. I told him he needed a cold shower. He then asked if I wanted to join him. After that I stopped responding. But he kept on going! Told me to wear sexy panties. Asked if I liked it rough or soft and gentle. Yuck yuck YUCK!! 17 texts in 30 minutes! I felt totally violated and told him he'd made me uncomfortable and he totally crossed the line, we obviously didn't fit, and dinner was off. Stupid douche bag! All of this coming from a guy I nick named MAN BOOBS! The creepy loser! During our first text conversation he asked if I was Mormon. Because he asked the question I assumed he wasn't and replied that I was and if that turned him off. He replied, "oh no! I'm Mormon too. Just checking." Okay, he's Mormon but then he treats me like that! WTF?!! Thank goodness I never met this dirt bag! Ickity ick!!

And those two reasons are why I am done — DUN! I will no longer be accepting applications from crazy people. If I have a bad vibe about you, forget it! Let your freak flag fly someplace else! I'm not saying I won't be giving people the benefit of the doubt but I am releasing myself from guilt. If I don't want to go out with someone I don't have to do it. And that's just fine! Doesn't mean I'm extinguishing my hope of finding someone special. I'm just being a bit nicer to myself. As Meredith said, "are you REALLY going to marry someone you've nicknamed Man Boobs?" The answer is no. I never nickname the boys I like.

On to something positive. Even though dating times are less than ideal, I do have my jewelry to keep me occupied. I'm posting some pics of some things I've been working on. Most of you know I'm participating in a boutique on November 20th. After that I'll be setting up a storefront on etsy to sell my wares or you could buy them direct from me through my blog if you're ever interested. So here are some of my favorite pieces:

Bracelet made with magnesite stones and sterling sliver beads

various bracelets for babies - school age kids

Earrings with aquamarine stones wrapped with sterling silver wire and pearl drops attached to the bottom

Sterling silver leaf earrings

Bracelet with sterling silver and fresh water pearls

I almost forgot! I did have something fabulous happen this month! I got to live out my 7th grade dream and was on the front row at a B-52s concert! Totally awesome!! None of them have aged particularly well but Kate Pierson looked like she'd stuffed herself into a leather sausage casing and wandered there from rehab. Luckily her microphone was off at one point or she would have started singing too early when they sang "Roam." BUT it was still fabulous! They sounded awesome and Cindy Wilson and Fred Schneider were great. Here are a couple pics from that epic event:

Cindy beating her bongos

So there you have it. My life in the pathetic nutshell it currently resides. Keep on keeping on, peeps!

Plan B

This week I got to babysit my two favorite little people two days instead of just the usual one and I had a lot of fun. Even though Wednesday Bea's nap was early in the day and not long — which made for a every emotional afternoon.

I discovered that she seriously digs chocolate pudding —which I used to my advantage after one of her more intense melt downs. Nothing calms nerves like a belly — and face — full of chocolate. The top picture was taken after her 4th cup of the day. Hee hee! Babysitter of the year right here! Good thing I bought it in bulk at Costco.

Sam's getting very good at keeping his head up. And he keeps growing! What's up with that?! Every time I see him he's sprouted another size.

Anyway, on day two of babysitting I had a little epiphany and came up with a back up plan in case I don't find the circus performer of my dreams. So Meredith has told me that I can share her children and dogs — really a win win situation. For me it's almost like being a grandparent. I can spoil them and love them but then give them back when they're grumpy or 16 years old. Since Bret seems to be willing to hang on to our relationship, I could get back together with him to get some action (some nooky on occasion would be nice) and a weekly date! Obviously I would have to draw up a legally binding contract that would keep him living in his house in South Jordan and keep me (and my credit) very safely away from his business debt. Genius, eh! I like to call it the Southam Plan. With all my love to Denise.

In other news, I'm kind of obsessed with plans to make some really cool jewelry pieces. Some of the girls at work (Kay Tamoa and Deana Snook Busch) sent out an email that they were putting together a craft fair thing for people to sell their handmade stuff. And I told them I'd be interested in selling my jewelry. Some of you know I make jewelry, most probably don't. Anyway, this fair thing has really lit a spark in me and I'm seriously excited to work with metals and create some unique stuff. I'm sure as weeks go by you'll be seeing pictures of the pieces I'm creating in here. I'm hoping to sell enough stuff to pay for some more metal to make MORE cool things! I'm even thinking of selling my stuff on Etsy. Definitely love to do it and it's given me something to focus on now that fall is approaching and my tan is fading.

It might even keep me from implementing Plan Southam for awhile . . .

Friend request

*sigh*

Bret popped up again. It's been a couple months since I'd heard from him before last Thursday night. Pop up night. As per usual I got a random text asking how I was doing. Like we were chums. Like there was no history. Like it was perfectly normal for him to nonchalantly show up in my present tense. It really made me mad. Which is actually a good thing. Every other time he's done this I've been dating someone or about to go on a date I'd been anticipating. So every other time I'd had the crutch of another possibility to lean on for extra support to keep him at arm's length.

Although the wake of his previous pop-up in July sent me into a little emotional tailspin. For those keeping score at home, the last time I saw Bret was the day I went out with VNB Spencer, the circus performer in training. You know, the one with anger issues. It took a few days to crawl out of that emotional hole. It was the first time I really questioned whether I had made the right decision and if I really knew we weren't supposed to be together. And maybe he WAS as good as it would get for me. Ugly time and it left me bruised. What I discovered this weekend is I don't need a crutch any more. I'm done with him and this and I want to move on. THAT'S why I was angry. He keeps pulling off the scabs on emotional wounds that could have healed well — wounds that are now turning into angry keloid scars from so much irritation. (It's my bed time and I get a little melodramatic when I'm tired so bear with me)

Naturally, being Bret, he's not going away without a fight. Granted a passive aggressive fight, but a fight nonetheless. I blew off an invitation from him for dinner after my shift on Saturday and didn't hear from him again that weekend. Thought I was in the clear and that he'd finally taken the hint I wanted distance from him, until I woke up Wednesday morning. He'd sent me a message on facebook telling me that he'd finally joined and hoped I'd add him as a friend. RAGE. Rage rage rage. I knew I never wanted to see or hear from him again.

My rage simmered down through the day but before I lost my nerve (and after a text pep talk from Mere) I texted him to call me. That we needed to talk. Never a good sign, right? The "we need to talk" line? Figured it would let him know I meant business. I should have just texted him never to contact me again. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

He called and just chatted my ear off. We joked and teased each other and my anger melted to frustration. After 45 minutes or so I laid it out for him. Asked him what he expected from me and our relationship. Told him how hard it was for me when he popped up like this and that I had been planning to tell him to never contact me again but now I just don't know what to do with him. I told him that I never questioned that I made the right decision but every time he showed up in my life like this, he opened up all those feelings and I was starting to resent him for it and that it felt like he didn't care about how his decisions were affecting me. He then told me that he did consider that it was hard for me which was why he was trying not to contact me. But he couldn't not contact me! He figured he needed to at least check in to see how I was doing. He also couldn't say he just considered us friends. And he did still think about us and that we could get back together and that he would still really like to marry me, but he knows that's not where I'm at right now.

*sigh*

He just doesn't get it and never will. And at some point I will have to tell him to never contact me again. It just made me ache for the real deal. It was never Bret but I still don't know who it is. And it's nights like this that make me feel a little hollow inside. I'm alone with my cat and going to bed at 9:30 to gear up for a 3 day marathon of work. Feels pretty empty.

BUT

I am over him. Don't want him back and no longer have any doubts that I made the right decision. AND, more importantly, I got to watch my pseudo kids today and it was awesome. Meredith is back to work so I am getting back into my babysitting routine. And it really makes my day. Everything is good when Ms Bea comes and throws her arms around my neck for a hug. And Sam is getting bigger and cuter each day. I love them and they give me hope of good things to come. I know that we get to be angels in each others' lives and these two little people — and their parents — are definitely some of the many angels in mine.

Sam focusing very hard on keeping in his binki

Bea's new favorite place to sit and watch TV: the cat condo in my room

Getting in a little tummy time

Could you resist that face when she wanted to drink your Diet Mtn Dew?

M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E

One set of freshly laundered scrubs: $40

One Diet Mountain Dew for the ride home: $1.25

Watching a wilted old man shuffle across the six lanes of Hwy 89 with his walker and oxygen to Southern Xposure (Utah's only full nudity club! Boo-yah!) from the bus stop : priceless. Literally made my weekend.

This was an awesome week. Flew to Anaheim with LeeAnn so we could spend her 35th birthday at the happiest place on earth. I hadn't been to Disneyland since . . . I don't know . . . 1997 maybe? Had no idea about California Adventure or any of that. And going with LeeAnn was fabulous because she knows all the Disneyland trivia so I had my own personal tour guide! It was a great day and a fabulous way to celebrate her birthday. She got to wear a birthday button and all the workers wished her a happy birthday everywhere we went! And I told everyone else (on the plane, at the hotel, at 7-11 . . .) that we were there to celebrate her day. I'm sure she wanted to kill me by the end but couldn't because murders aren't allowed at Disneyland!

LeeAnn holding her "golden ticket" allowing free admission on her birthday

LeeAnn looking cute and some lunatic with crazy hair and 50 chins on the airplane

No, thank YOU for celebrating with US, Mickey!!

This was the best tasting Diet Coke I've ever had. Which is why I'm making out with it. Best action I've gotten in ages.

Sassy!

We spent the next day lounging around Newport Beach and it was awesome! Super hot though. Felt like we were home lounging at the Great Salt Lake. Ha! Or not.

In tribute to the Bluth family and Arrested Development we stopped and got a frozen banana from a banana stand. "There's always money in the banana stand. . ."

Pretty much a fabulous two day vacation!

Hi ho, hi ho, . . .

Curses!! I was tricked into renewing my membership in eharmony. I know, I know. HOW do you get tricked into something like that? It's not like they have an army of match making thugs who come to your house and threaten you until you agree to renew. But their REAL tactics are trickier and more difficult to avoid. Even though I cancelled my subscription in June (after the whole auto-renewing debacle when I vowed I'd never have dealings with them again) they really upped the number of "highly compatible matches" they were sending me. And it has never stopped! Even though I didn't think my account was active, people can see ME. And try to communicate. But I can't see them and communicate back unless I renew — which they will let me do for the ridiculously low price of $19.95 a month for 3 months! So I had this guy who really wanted to get in touch with me and the little voice in my head which gives me relationship advice starts telling me MAYBE this time it will work! Even though my logical voice was reminding me that I was matched (the whole "matched" business could lead to another rant session. Lies! Ridiculous freaking lies! Matched?! "Highly Compatible" based on our "27 dimensions of compatibility?!" Lies!!) with almost 200 guys during my first go-round and only went on a date with 1. And that guy was not all that intriguing. The discounted price was giving relationship voice more sway over logic than normal. I mean, what if this guy is "the one?" And is $20 really that much to pay for true love? Of course not! (you all answer in unison) So I renewed. And then I checked out persistent guy and he's not my type. Not at all. And none of the other 20 guys they matched me with were remotely intriguing. But now I'm locked in to this contract! Curses!! Logical voice has told me repeatedly that she told me this would happen. And she did. But I remain optimistic. Remember, I have statistics on my side!

Well, I returned to work this past week and it was rough. I really enjoyed my time off and went biking nearly every day. With my Gregg Bromka "Park City and Beyond" guide book in my bag, I set off exploring new trails. And I got lost on nearly every ride. Obviously Gregg and I have a dysfunctional relationship. He showed me new trails, but then promptly confused me mid-ride and led me into unchartered territory. The worst was my ride in The Canyons when I missed a turn off and ended up literally throwing my bike up a downhill only trail. Fortunately no one came barreling down as I was coming up . . . But each ride was punctuated with truly AWESOME stretches of trail that kept me coming back to him for tips on where to ride.

Looking toward The Canyons resort on Lower Holly's Trail

The trail in the distance is my way home: Ambush Trail

Me trying to throw my bike uphill. Had to stop and take a picture because it was so ridiculous! Doesn't quite capture how steep it actually was but it was nearly vertical

That's the sign I looked BACK to when I was finally on level ground

One of the fabulous sections of trail that kept me coming back to Gregg

Amazing view overlooking The Canyons

I love this picture! It illustrates why I love mountain biking: gorgeous ribbon of smooth packed dirt winding through meadows and trees...

This is my favorite picture from the week! I took this while riding John's in Park City. Awesome ride! Until I got lost and was seriously in need of food...

Well, I better go prepare for the reality of work tomorrow. I've been in serious need of an attitude adjustment as far as work is concerned, and I think this weekend gave it to me. I was put on call Friday and then had Saturday and today off and it's been heaven. Work life has been stressful for the past four months or so (much more so for Meredith and I don't know how she's survived it all) and it's definitely taken more of a toll than I'd realized. But this weekend I really feel renewed. I have a great job and get to do amazing things and I haven't been focusing on that. So starting this week I'm going to think of one thing, person, event each day that I'm grateful for so I can turn work back into something that I enjoy doing. I'll let you know how it goes...

Cautiously optimistic . . .

Hmmm. My mood has changed since I logged on to make this post. I follow the blog of a patient I took care of quite a bit in the PICU and I was stunned to see on the headlines of the blogs I follow that he had passed away unexpectedly today. Granted, he had a life threatening diagnosis and was being evaluated for transplant in a different hospital to see if that could extend his life — so death wasn't necessarily a surprise. However, he had been doing well the day before! His mom was cautiously optimistic and they had been transferred out of the ICU. It just made my heart drop and made me realize how different my life could be. The things I face that seem so challenging are nothing . . . NOTHING compared to what this family has gone through over the past year. And now they're grieving for their little boy. I need to be better at cherishing each day for the gift it is and letting those I love in my life know how important they are to me because you never know what life will bring.

Moving on to less somber topics, I may as well give the updates on my dating life. And I must say I'm optimistic that I'm going to meet someone fabulous soon. Just based on the laws of probability I'm due for one! I've gone out on so many blah (and let's be honest, a little crazy) dates lately that statistically speaking the odds of me finding a gem are getting better and better! I went out with the guy that my friend Chatti set me up with this past Wednesday night. And as I predicted, he was not quite 5'6". Unless I have suddenly sprouted to 5'8" without realizing it. I mean, it IS possible since I've been wearing shorts so I wouldn't know that my pants were suddenly too short. Anyway, it was a fine date, but he was definitely NOT interested. I could tell he had been pressured into doing this by his mom. The guy lives in Cali and is heading back there this weekend so angels would have had to appear for anything lasting to come of it. He checked his watch a couple times and after an hour on the nose, the date was done and I was home.

And then there's persistent Spencer. AKA cirque du soleil boy. I've got to hand it to him because he keeps calling even though I have yet to respond. THAT is dedication! Too bad I'm just not interested because he is ready for a relationship.

This week I'm supposed to meet up with Kevin, a guy I met months ago through LDS linkup. Yes, I've done online dating. So if you're reading all this dating craziness and thinking "maybe she should look online." Been there, done that. Even signed up for eharmony late one night in January when I was feeling particularly unloved and dateless and contemplating reconciling with Bret to have someone back in my life. Linkup has been more fruitful than eharmony was though. Went out with 1 guy from eharmony and got matched with a 150. Not the best odds. AND they automatically renewed my subscription the DAY BEFORE it was going to expire and to get my money refunded I'd have had to fill out some ridiculous form and mail it in with my left kidney to a PO box in Kentucky — so I took the lazy way out and suffered through another 3 months.

Anywho, I'm supposed to meet up with Kevin sometime this week along with my friend Jackie's brother Jeff. We'll see if something pans out. But like I said, something good is coming soon. I can feel it! AND I'm statistically due so not only do I have a good vibe, I've got math on my side. What more does a girl need?

I need to catch up on some events of the past couple weeks. Firstly, the birth of Samson Dewey Richards on July 23rd! Mere's second adorable little babe. He's just a cute little squishy ball of peach fuzz. It's great to see Mere and Dave so happy. I really don't know what they're going to do with a boy, though!

Second, Katie and I climbed Mt Olympus together on July 25th in preparation to climb the Middle Teton. We went all the way up to the summit which I'd never done before. Kate did great but decided that the middle Teton might be more than she was up for so we ended up not climbing that, but our hike made for a fun day.

That's it for now. I'm currently enjoying my staycation from work and don't have to go back to PCMC until August 18th!! Yesssss!!! Tell those around you that you love them, hold your kids, kiss your significant other, call your parents, whatever. Thanks for reading and God bless.

Never never never again

Holy crap it's hot today! I went for a road bike ride this morning but dilly dallied and ended up leaving at 9:30 instead of 8. Which meant I returned at 1230 instead of 11. And that hour and a half is when the earth decided to heat up like my ceramic stovetop. By the time I got home I was seeing stars since I hadn't TOTALLY planned to ride in that much heat. I brought water and gatorade but only 1 gel — and that packet of 100 calories definitely wasn't enough to get me through.

Although if I had left when I intended I wouldn't have talked to Chatti who had left a message for me to call her. It sounded fairly urgent so I was surprised when I got the question: "a lady in my ward wants to know if you are interested in going out with her son." Wow. Not what I was expecting. I told Chatti my only requirements for being set up on a date were that he have a job and not be a serial killer. She then told me that she didn't think he was a serial killer but he was between jobs, although he has several commercial properties and therefore has a steady source of income. Then she asked the question: "how tall are you?" Bummer. You know that means he's a shorty. And sure enough he's 5'6" — which really means he's 5'5". I've gone out on enough dates by now to know the code. Josh (an ex-BF who was not the best relationship choice, btw. I still wonder how that all happened...) always said he was 5'5" and he was maybe 5'4". When he was wearing tall shoes.

Anyway, Chatti then mentioned he is only here for a month. This seems to be happening a lot lately. Me getting set up with people who don't live in Utah or are in the process of moving someplace else, I mean. Last weekend I went camping with my family and my brother Jim came to me as soon as I arrived at the campsite and said, "I don't know if you feel comfortable talking about this in front of the entire family," which naturally made everyone stop what they were doing and turn to listen to this conversation, "but how do you feel about younger men?" My sister was closest and she said "Jill doesn't mind talking about THAT! Sheesh" Which is true. And then all my siblings started discussing Spencer (aka the VNB) and how incredible it was that I actually went out with someone who wants to train for the circus. My mother had kindly shared all the date details with my nearest and dearest. (As a side note, when I called to tell my mom about my date with Spencer she literally laughed uncontrollably for 5 minutes after I told her about his circus aspirations and then asked if I was thinking of getting back together with Bret who was now looking like a serious prize. >sigh<>

Wow, I'm digressing. AND wordy! Sheesh! I'm blaming the heat... Anywho, Jim then told me he wanted to set me up with his wife's nephew who was somewhere around 25 years old. After I made a face about his age the count went up ("no wait I think he might be 28. . ."). And he lives in Orem and is moving in a couple months. But I'm not complaining. People are very nice to think of me and you never know what will happen.

Speaking of Spencer the VNB, he's called a few times and I've stopped answering his calls. Judge me if you like, I'm judging myself a bit. It feels slightly immature but I don't think he'd be happy to hear the truth: "um, Spencer? Talking to you is entirely exhausting and I have to pump myself up to answer the phone." No one wants to hear that! So I'm saving us both some heart ache and pain.

Anyway, blah blah blah. On to the title of this post: I finished my deck! And it was a horribly awful and torturous process. The stain I chose says it's guaranteed for 5 years. Let me just tell you, in 5 years when it needs to be redone I will either be moving or hiring someone to do it for me. Blech!!! I'd rather repaint my entire house again! >shudder<>

My mostly sanded deck ready to be stained

And the end result!

Bea approved my choice of color

Now I'm off to get ready for my first BBQ! Little Bea and her sisters (and Meredith and Dave) are coming for dinner and I've got some errands to run beforehand so I'd better get going . . .