Plan B

This week I got to babysit my two favorite little people two days instead of just the usual one and I had a lot of fun. Even though Wednesday Bea's nap was early in the day and not long — which made for a every emotional afternoon.

I discovered that she seriously digs chocolate pudding —which I used to my advantage after one of her more intense melt downs. Nothing calms nerves like a belly — and face — full of chocolate. The top picture was taken after her 4th cup of the day. Hee hee! Babysitter of the year right here! Good thing I bought it in bulk at Costco.

Sam's getting very good at keeping his head up. And he keeps growing! What's up with that?! Every time I see him he's sprouted another size.

Anyway, on day two of babysitting I had a little epiphany and came up with a back up plan in case I don't find the circus performer of my dreams. So Meredith has told me that I can share her children and dogs — really a win win situation. For me it's almost like being a grandparent. I can spoil them and love them but then give them back when they're grumpy or 16 years old. Since Bret seems to be willing to hang on to our relationship, I could get back together with him to get some action (some nooky on occasion would be nice) and a weekly date! Obviously I would have to draw up a legally binding contract that would keep him living in his house in South Jordan and keep me (and my credit) very safely away from his business debt. Genius, eh! I like to call it the Southam Plan. With all my love to Denise.

In other news, I'm kind of obsessed with plans to make some really cool jewelry pieces. Some of the girls at work (Kay Tamoa and Deana Snook Busch) sent out an email that they were putting together a craft fair thing for people to sell their handmade stuff. And I told them I'd be interested in selling my jewelry. Some of you know I make jewelry, most probably don't. Anyway, this fair thing has really lit a spark in me and I'm seriously excited to work with metals and create some unique stuff. I'm sure as weeks go by you'll be seeing pictures of the pieces I'm creating in here. I'm hoping to sell enough stuff to pay for some more metal to make MORE cool things! I'm even thinking of selling my stuff on Etsy. Definitely love to do it and it's given me something to focus on now that fall is approaching and my tan is fading.

It might even keep me from implementing Plan Southam for awhile . . .

Friend request

*sigh*

Bret popped up again. It's been a couple months since I'd heard from him before last Thursday night. Pop up night. As per usual I got a random text asking how I was doing. Like we were chums. Like there was no history. Like it was perfectly normal for him to nonchalantly show up in my present tense. It really made me mad. Which is actually a good thing. Every other time he's done this I've been dating someone or about to go on a date I'd been anticipating. So every other time I'd had the crutch of another possibility to lean on for extra support to keep him at arm's length.

Although the wake of his previous pop-up in July sent me into a little emotional tailspin. For those keeping score at home, the last time I saw Bret was the day I went out with VNB Spencer, the circus performer in training. You know, the one with anger issues. It took a few days to crawl out of that emotional hole. It was the first time I really questioned whether I had made the right decision and if I really knew we weren't supposed to be together. And maybe he WAS as good as it would get for me. Ugly time and it left me bruised. What I discovered this weekend is I don't need a crutch any more. I'm done with him and this and I want to move on. THAT'S why I was angry. He keeps pulling off the scabs on emotional wounds that could have healed well — wounds that are now turning into angry keloid scars from so much irritation. (It's my bed time and I get a little melodramatic when I'm tired so bear with me)

Naturally, being Bret, he's not going away without a fight. Granted a passive aggressive fight, but a fight nonetheless. I blew off an invitation from him for dinner after my shift on Saturday and didn't hear from him again that weekend. Thought I was in the clear and that he'd finally taken the hint I wanted distance from him, until I woke up Wednesday morning. He'd sent me a message on facebook telling me that he'd finally joined and hoped I'd add him as a friend. RAGE. Rage rage rage. I knew I never wanted to see or hear from him again.

My rage simmered down through the day but before I lost my nerve (and after a text pep talk from Mere) I texted him to call me. That we needed to talk. Never a good sign, right? The "we need to talk" line? Figured it would let him know I meant business. I should have just texted him never to contact me again. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

He called and just chatted my ear off. We joked and teased each other and my anger melted to frustration. After 45 minutes or so I laid it out for him. Asked him what he expected from me and our relationship. Told him how hard it was for me when he popped up like this and that I had been planning to tell him to never contact me again but now I just don't know what to do with him. I told him that I never questioned that I made the right decision but every time he showed up in my life like this, he opened up all those feelings and I was starting to resent him for it and that it felt like he didn't care about how his decisions were affecting me. He then told me that he did consider that it was hard for me which was why he was trying not to contact me. But he couldn't not contact me! He figured he needed to at least check in to see how I was doing. He also couldn't say he just considered us friends. And he did still think about us and that we could get back together and that he would still really like to marry me, but he knows that's not where I'm at right now.

*sigh*

He just doesn't get it and never will. And at some point I will have to tell him to never contact me again. It just made me ache for the real deal. It was never Bret but I still don't know who it is. And it's nights like this that make me feel a little hollow inside. I'm alone with my cat and going to bed at 9:30 to gear up for a 3 day marathon of work. Feels pretty empty.

BUT

I am over him. Don't want him back and no longer have any doubts that I made the right decision. AND, more importantly, I got to watch my pseudo kids today and it was awesome. Meredith is back to work so I am getting back into my babysitting routine. And it really makes my day. Everything is good when Ms Bea comes and throws her arms around my neck for a hug. And Sam is getting bigger and cuter each day. I love them and they give me hope of good things to come. I know that we get to be angels in each others' lives and these two little people — and their parents — are definitely some of the many angels in mine.

Sam focusing very hard on keeping in his binki

Bea's new favorite place to sit and watch TV: the cat condo in my room

Getting in a little tummy time

Could you resist that face when she wanted to drink your Diet Mtn Dew?

M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E

One set of freshly laundered scrubs: $40

One Diet Mountain Dew for the ride home: $1.25

Watching a wilted old man shuffle across the six lanes of Hwy 89 with his walker and oxygen to Southern Xposure (Utah's only full nudity club! Boo-yah!) from the bus stop : priceless. Literally made my weekend.

This was an awesome week. Flew to Anaheim with LeeAnn so we could spend her 35th birthday at the happiest place on earth. I hadn't been to Disneyland since . . . I don't know . . . 1997 maybe? Had no idea about California Adventure or any of that. And going with LeeAnn was fabulous because she knows all the Disneyland trivia so I had my own personal tour guide! It was a great day and a fabulous way to celebrate her birthday. She got to wear a birthday button and all the workers wished her a happy birthday everywhere we went! And I told everyone else (on the plane, at the hotel, at 7-11 . . .) that we were there to celebrate her day. I'm sure she wanted to kill me by the end but couldn't because murders aren't allowed at Disneyland!

LeeAnn holding her "golden ticket" allowing free admission on her birthday

LeeAnn looking cute and some lunatic with crazy hair and 50 chins on the airplane

No, thank YOU for celebrating with US, Mickey!!

This was the best tasting Diet Coke I've ever had. Which is why I'm making out with it. Best action I've gotten in ages.

Sassy!

We spent the next day lounging around Newport Beach and it was awesome! Super hot though. Felt like we were home lounging at the Great Salt Lake. Ha! Or not.

In tribute to the Bluth family and Arrested Development we stopped and got a frozen banana from a banana stand. "There's always money in the banana stand. . ."

Pretty much a fabulous two day vacation!

Hi ho, hi ho, . . .

Curses!! I was tricked into renewing my membership in eharmony. I know, I know. HOW do you get tricked into something like that? It's not like they have an army of match making thugs who come to your house and threaten you until you agree to renew. But their REAL tactics are trickier and more difficult to avoid. Even though I cancelled my subscription in June (after the whole auto-renewing debacle when I vowed I'd never have dealings with them again) they really upped the number of "highly compatible matches" they were sending me. And it has never stopped! Even though I didn't think my account was active, people can see ME. And try to communicate. But I can't see them and communicate back unless I renew — which they will let me do for the ridiculously low price of $19.95 a month for 3 months! So I had this guy who really wanted to get in touch with me and the little voice in my head which gives me relationship advice starts telling me MAYBE this time it will work! Even though my logical voice was reminding me that I was matched (the whole "matched" business could lead to another rant session. Lies! Ridiculous freaking lies! Matched?! "Highly Compatible" based on our "27 dimensions of compatibility?!" Lies!!) with almost 200 guys during my first go-round and only went on a date with 1. And that guy was not all that intriguing. The discounted price was giving relationship voice more sway over logic than normal. I mean, what if this guy is "the one?" And is $20 really that much to pay for true love? Of course not! (you all answer in unison) So I renewed. And then I checked out persistent guy and he's not my type. Not at all. And none of the other 20 guys they matched me with were remotely intriguing. But now I'm locked in to this contract! Curses!! Logical voice has told me repeatedly that she told me this would happen. And she did. But I remain optimistic. Remember, I have statistics on my side!

Well, I returned to work this past week and it was rough. I really enjoyed my time off and went biking nearly every day. With my Gregg Bromka "Park City and Beyond" guide book in my bag, I set off exploring new trails. And I got lost on nearly every ride. Obviously Gregg and I have a dysfunctional relationship. He showed me new trails, but then promptly confused me mid-ride and led me into unchartered territory. The worst was my ride in The Canyons when I missed a turn off and ended up literally throwing my bike up a downhill only trail. Fortunately no one came barreling down as I was coming up . . . But each ride was punctuated with truly AWESOME stretches of trail that kept me coming back to him for tips on where to ride.

Looking toward The Canyons resort on Lower Holly's Trail

The trail in the distance is my way home: Ambush Trail

Me trying to throw my bike uphill. Had to stop and take a picture because it was so ridiculous! Doesn't quite capture how steep it actually was but it was nearly vertical

That's the sign I looked BACK to when I was finally on level ground

One of the fabulous sections of trail that kept me coming back to Gregg

Amazing view overlooking The Canyons

I love this picture! It illustrates why I love mountain biking: gorgeous ribbon of smooth packed dirt winding through meadows and trees...

This is my favorite picture from the week! I took this while riding John's in Park City. Awesome ride! Until I got lost and was seriously in need of food...

Well, I better go prepare for the reality of work tomorrow. I've been in serious need of an attitude adjustment as far as work is concerned, and I think this weekend gave it to me. I was put on call Friday and then had Saturday and today off and it's been heaven. Work life has been stressful for the past four months or so (much more so for Meredith and I don't know how she's survived it all) and it's definitely taken more of a toll than I'd realized. But this weekend I really feel renewed. I have a great job and get to do amazing things and I haven't been focusing on that. So starting this week I'm going to think of one thing, person, event each day that I'm grateful for so I can turn work back into something that I enjoy doing. I'll let you know how it goes...

Cautiously optimistic . . .

Hmmm. My mood has changed since I logged on to make this post. I follow the blog of a patient I took care of quite a bit in the PICU and I was stunned to see on the headlines of the blogs I follow that he had passed away unexpectedly today. Granted, he had a life threatening diagnosis and was being evaluated for transplant in a different hospital to see if that could extend his life — so death wasn't necessarily a surprise. However, he had been doing well the day before! His mom was cautiously optimistic and they had been transferred out of the ICU. It just made my heart drop and made me realize how different my life could be. The things I face that seem so challenging are nothing . . . NOTHING compared to what this family has gone through over the past year. And now they're grieving for their little boy. I need to be better at cherishing each day for the gift it is and letting those I love in my life know how important they are to me because you never know what life will bring.

Moving on to less somber topics, I may as well give the updates on my dating life. And I must say I'm optimistic that I'm going to meet someone fabulous soon. Just based on the laws of probability I'm due for one! I've gone out on so many blah (and let's be honest, a little crazy) dates lately that statistically speaking the odds of me finding a gem are getting better and better! I went out with the guy that my friend Chatti set me up with this past Wednesday night. And as I predicted, he was not quite 5'6". Unless I have suddenly sprouted to 5'8" without realizing it. I mean, it IS possible since I've been wearing shorts so I wouldn't know that my pants were suddenly too short. Anyway, it was a fine date, but he was definitely NOT interested. I could tell he had been pressured into doing this by his mom. The guy lives in Cali and is heading back there this weekend so angels would have had to appear for anything lasting to come of it. He checked his watch a couple times and after an hour on the nose, the date was done and I was home.

And then there's persistent Spencer. AKA cirque du soleil boy. I've got to hand it to him because he keeps calling even though I have yet to respond. THAT is dedication! Too bad I'm just not interested because he is ready for a relationship.

This week I'm supposed to meet up with Kevin, a guy I met months ago through LDS linkup. Yes, I've done online dating. So if you're reading all this dating craziness and thinking "maybe she should look online." Been there, done that. Even signed up for eharmony late one night in January when I was feeling particularly unloved and dateless and contemplating reconciling with Bret to have someone back in my life. Linkup has been more fruitful than eharmony was though. Went out with 1 guy from eharmony and got matched with a 150. Not the best odds. AND they automatically renewed my subscription the DAY BEFORE it was going to expire and to get my money refunded I'd have had to fill out some ridiculous form and mail it in with my left kidney to a PO box in Kentucky — so I took the lazy way out and suffered through another 3 months.

Anywho, I'm supposed to meet up with Kevin sometime this week along with my friend Jackie's brother Jeff. We'll see if something pans out. But like I said, something good is coming soon. I can feel it! AND I'm statistically due so not only do I have a good vibe, I've got math on my side. What more does a girl need?

I need to catch up on some events of the past couple weeks. Firstly, the birth of Samson Dewey Richards on July 23rd! Mere's second adorable little babe. He's just a cute little squishy ball of peach fuzz. It's great to see Mere and Dave so happy. I really don't know what they're going to do with a boy, though!

Second, Katie and I climbed Mt Olympus together on July 25th in preparation to climb the Middle Teton. We went all the way up to the summit which I'd never done before. Kate did great but decided that the middle Teton might be more than she was up for so we ended up not climbing that, but our hike made for a fun day.

That's it for now. I'm currently enjoying my staycation from work and don't have to go back to PCMC until August 18th!! Yesssss!!! Tell those around you that you love them, hold your kids, kiss your significant other, call your parents, whatever. Thanks for reading and God bless.

Never never never again

Holy crap it's hot today! I went for a road bike ride this morning but dilly dallied and ended up leaving at 9:30 instead of 8. Which meant I returned at 1230 instead of 11. And that hour and a half is when the earth decided to heat up like my ceramic stovetop. By the time I got home I was seeing stars since I hadn't TOTALLY planned to ride in that much heat. I brought water and gatorade but only 1 gel — and that packet of 100 calories definitely wasn't enough to get me through.

Although if I had left when I intended I wouldn't have talked to Chatti who had left a message for me to call her. It sounded fairly urgent so I was surprised when I got the question: "a lady in my ward wants to know if you are interested in going out with her son." Wow. Not what I was expecting. I told Chatti my only requirements for being set up on a date were that he have a job and not be a serial killer. She then told me that she didn't think he was a serial killer but he was between jobs, although he has several commercial properties and therefore has a steady source of income. Then she asked the question: "how tall are you?" Bummer. You know that means he's a shorty. And sure enough he's 5'6" — which really means he's 5'5". I've gone out on enough dates by now to know the code. Josh (an ex-BF who was not the best relationship choice, btw. I still wonder how that all happened...) always said he was 5'5" and he was maybe 5'4". When he was wearing tall shoes.

Anyway, Chatti then mentioned he is only here for a month. This seems to be happening a lot lately. Me getting set up with people who don't live in Utah or are in the process of moving someplace else, I mean. Last weekend I went camping with my family and my brother Jim came to me as soon as I arrived at the campsite and said, "I don't know if you feel comfortable talking about this in front of the entire family," which naturally made everyone stop what they were doing and turn to listen to this conversation, "but how do you feel about younger men?" My sister was closest and she said "Jill doesn't mind talking about THAT! Sheesh" Which is true. And then all my siblings started discussing Spencer (aka the VNB) and how incredible it was that I actually went out with someone who wants to train for the circus. My mother had kindly shared all the date details with my nearest and dearest. (As a side note, when I called to tell my mom about my date with Spencer she literally laughed uncontrollably for 5 minutes after I told her about his circus aspirations and then asked if I was thinking of getting back together with Bret who was now looking like a serious prize. >sigh<>

Wow, I'm digressing. AND wordy! Sheesh! I'm blaming the heat... Anywho, Jim then told me he wanted to set me up with his wife's nephew who was somewhere around 25 years old. After I made a face about his age the count went up ("no wait I think he might be 28. . ."). And he lives in Orem and is moving in a couple months. But I'm not complaining. People are very nice to think of me and you never know what will happen.

Speaking of Spencer the VNB, he's called a few times and I've stopped answering his calls. Judge me if you like, I'm judging myself a bit. It feels slightly immature but I don't think he'd be happy to hear the truth: "um, Spencer? Talking to you is entirely exhausting and I have to pump myself up to answer the phone." No one wants to hear that! So I'm saving us both some heart ache and pain.

Anyway, blah blah blah. On to the title of this post: I finished my deck! And it was a horribly awful and torturous process. The stain I chose says it's guaranteed for 5 years. Let me just tell you, in 5 years when it needs to be redone I will either be moving or hiring someone to do it for me. Blech!!! I'd rather repaint my entire house again! >shudder<>

My mostly sanded deck ready to be stained

And the end result!

Bea approved my choice of color

Now I'm off to get ready for my first BBQ! Little Bea and her sisters (and Meredith and Dave) are coming for dinner and I've got some errands to run beforehand so I'd better get going . . .

Rainy days and Mondays . . .

Last week's DIY project was to stain my badly cracked cement patio. And while the weather forecast last Sunday looked like my 4 days off in a row last week (a little slice of heaven, FYI) would be ideal weather to get this done, by Tuesday rain clouds were appearing on the forecast for Thursday and Friday. And although Wednesday night was supposed to be rain free, big rain drops started falling as I was trying to sweep and vacuum off the cement in preparation.

Thought I'd share a few of the things I learned thoughout this process:

• 1) If you are using a product with acid in the title (like my cement acid stain) do yourself a favor and cover up ALL exposed skin. Who cares if the sun is shining and you'd like to improve your tan while improving your yard?! Wear long pants and closed toed shoes. Acid+skin=burning pain
• 2) Don't forget to actually use the protective paper and painter's tape you bought to cover up your white vinyl fence. Acid will not only eat away your skin but it will eat away your pristinely white fence. Your fence will forever and always look very very dirty along the bottom edge where you inadvertently sprayed your fabulous caramel and walnut stains. Acid+ANYTHING=burning pain — although in this case the pain is just the emotional turmoil you experience each and every time you stare at the evidence of your poor planning.
• 3) Don't let your ex-boyfriend come over. Even though he seems to think you're now "friends" and ya'll can hang out without emotions coming into play, you know better. So listen to yourself and save your friends the pain of listening to you and your crazy thoughts of "did I make the right decision to end things?" and "maybe I should have pushed therapy more than I did. Maybe all our relationship needed was a really talented therapist." Don't play that game. Follow Nancy Reagan's advice and Just Say No. Acid+Bret+ReallyCrazyBlindDate=burning pain

You may now be curious about my Really Crazy Blind Date and what that means, exactly. Most of you know I've had a few of these RCBD's in my dating time so I'll give a brief rundown of this RCBD's stats — although keep in mind this guy is a VNB (very nice boy):

• He is training to be in the circus. Not kidding. He wants to breathe fire and stuff. And he has a performance this Saturday where he will be dressed in a fat lady's outfit and be set on fire and cut in half or something.
• He folds his dollar bills into origami snails and even pays for things with his "snails." I included a picture of the example he left with me. Can't make this crap up.
• He goes blues and swing dancing every week and during our post dinner walk to blockbuster he spun me out and twirled me around in random spontaneous dance sequences. Even and including picking me up off the ground (he gets props for not herniating a disc or grunting with the effort), spinning around, and dipping me for added drama.
• He was married before and blames his divorce on the issues he had (and still has) from his parents' divorce, his lack of effective communication with his wife, his anger issues, and his lack of a motivating force pushing him to be his best. That little conversation was the appetizer to dinner.
• He's 32 and working in a job without benefits.

>sigh<

After hearing that description of my latest prospect is it any wonder I was debating giving my relationship with Bret another try? Both my parents commented on how changed Bret seemed to be on Friday when the met him again. Oh yes, Bret came over while my parents and LeeAnn were helping me seal my concrete and all were amazed that he talked and was charming (my dad had previously compared his personality to a dead tree stump in my yard). And LeeAnn got to listen to him describe how overwhelmed he was feeling lately and how he might lose his job again.

Anyway . . .

Will I go out with VNB again? Of course! I've got nothing else to do and he wasn't hideous. Just a bit crazy. And I can't afford to be too picky since my biological clock is ticking away. This interesting detail was pointed out to me yesterday by the 23 year old nursing student I worked with. Although he did save himself when he told me I did NOT look 32. Maybe 28 . . . And with my increasing age my standards for dating are getting lower.

Look forward to next week's posting about my DIY project for this week: stripping and restaining my wood deck! And hopefully planting a lilac bush. I know, truly THRILLING!