Jill's World

McT

2010-05-24T14:48:00.000-07:00

It's been a rough week. Carrie finally lost her battle with leukemia. I had a feeling that she would lose her life to this disease but I didn't think it would be so soon. Or at least I hoped I still had time with her. But I do know that that although I do not understand why, it was her time to go. She had received blessings and had enough faith to be healed, as did all her family and friends praying for her. And since miracles follow faith it had to be her time to go. That little bit of understanding and peace has helped bring some closure. But I miss her.

I also thought I'd explain where my nickname for her (McT) came from. After her thyroid cancer surgery she twitched a lot whenever her calcium levels were off. Which was often. So I called her Twitchy McTwitch which then got shortened to McT. We started emailing each other frequently when she was radioactive and quarantined and kept that going until she passed away. Still doesn't seem real. I catch myself checking my email at work hoping that she's written me back.

Her friendship was a gift. A direct answer to prayer. Her support got me through some seriously rough times over the years. I always knew that no matter what ridiculous thing I was going through, she would understand and empathize with me about it. Boyfriends, family, friends, pets — whatever lame thing I was dealing with, she would understand and make me feel better. She was a spiritual rock and would help anchor me whenever I was feeling adrift and lost.

But best of all she was funny! She was always smiling and laughing. Even when she was in so much pain during the last few months she would smile and joke.

I could go on but there's not really anything more to say. She was a great friend and I am looking forward to seeing her again. As you can tell I borrowed some pictures of her to post here (got to love facebook!) and I have had a couple people ask what I said at her funeral so I'm posting my remarks and Dorian's awesome video below.

McT

I met Carrie when I oriented her to work as a nurse on the Infant Unit at Primary Children's. Over the years we became close friends and I am honored to be here representing her PCMC family.

As a nurse Carrie was exceptional. She was intelligent, calm in a crisis, and had excellent clinical assessment skills. She recognized subtle changes in her patients' condition and knew what to do to prevent their condition from deteriorating. If you had a child in the hospital you wanted her standing at their bedside.

Beyond her clinical skills, she LOVED her patients and she treated them like she would her own children. She made sure they were held, loved, and cared for every shift she worked. She made hair bows for the baby girls and brought elastics for pigtails. When Primary's switched brands of lotion she always had her own supply of our beloved Johnson's and Johnson's baby lotion so her patients wouldn't smell like Sween Cream.

She cared for all the parents as well and several became dear friends. She'd often ask me if I remembered a parent and say something like "Oh she was the mom of a patient we had on the unit 4 or 5 years ago" and then give me an update on how the patient was doing, what the parents were doing, and how all the siblings were as well.

As a coworker she was a delight. She made coming to work something I anticipated and enjoyed. My favorite days were when we worked weekends together and the charge nurse the night before (usually Allison) hooked us up to work on the same pod with Meredith and some of our other friends like Marianne and Becky. Working with her was always more of a team effort. She never asked if you needed help with your patient load she just helped when she saw a need. Alarms got answered, meds were flushed — she took care of everyone.

And we had so much fun. She had a great sense of humor and her laugh was infectious. We bounced quarters off her bum to prove she had buns of steel. Which she did. They were incredible. She practiced cheer moves on B pod and showed us some of her old routines. She gave us nicknames like Luna, Big Bird, Kitty, and One-L, to name a few. Many of you don’t even realize you had a nickname — but you did.

She loved making people laugh. One of our social workers was named Janet Jackson and any time I was talking to Janet, Carrie would come whisper in my ear: "It’s Janet: Miss Jackson, if you're nasty!" Or when I was talking to physicians she would stand behind them and make faces at me and try to get me to crack up laughing.

She remembered details about the people she worked with and genuinely cared about what was going in their lives. Whenever anyone was having a baby or getting married, she made certain to get them a gift. And she was always emotionally present with everyone and that made her a great listener.

Those were actually my favorite times with her. Our talks. We'd talk about anything and everything. She'd tell me about whatever new thing Kaden was in to and the cute things he'd do with his sister; how big Kenadee was getting and all the ways she'd express her personality. And always about Dorian and how lucky she felt to have him as a rock she could always lean on no matter what was going on in her life. Whenever we talked, no matter what burdens I carried they always felt lighter because I knew she truly cared about me and was carrying them with me.

She loved effortlessly. She truly was an angel on earth and many times acted directly as God's hands in my life.

Since she passed and I've been thinking about what to say today, I've thought about all the things that made her so incredibly special. Everything I thought of came back to that gift of loving others so genuinely. I think her greatest gift was allowing others to feel through her a glimpse of the unselfish love Jesus Christ has for each of us. She truly embodied charity — which is the pure love of Christ. As described by the apostle Paul in 1 Cor 13:4-8 :

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity denieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth."

Elder Dallin Oaks explained that "the reason charity never fails and the reason charity is greater than even the most significant acts of goodness is that charity is a condition. A state of being." And Carrie was there. She wasn't merely trying to live a Christ like life, she embodied His love and showed me how I could be a better nurse and a better friend through her example.

I miss my friend.

In conclusion I just want to tell her ‘goodbye’ officially:

Carrie,

I hope you know how much I treasure our friendship and I am so grateful to know that relationships don't end when we stop living. I'm excited to see you again and am honored to have played a small part in your story. And remember, you and I have a date. You promised you'd be sitting next to me at my wedding and I am holding you to it.

Love you, McT.

Forever.

5 Months

2010-05-19T17:44:00.000-07:00

Well. It's been 5 months since I posted anything. Although some days can seem never ending and mind numblingly slow, its the end of freaking May 2010! Crap.

So I'm going to hit the highlights of the blur that is the last 5 months and make this blog UTD.

I passed my CV module! Yee-haw! The testing was a grueling 2 hour oral exam — well, grueling may be a bit melodramatic. But it was stressful but now it's done! And ironically, while I was actually doing my training to be a CV nurse I rarely got heart patients. Now that I passed it's all I get. Don't understand their training methods or staffing methods. And to be honest, I don't think there's much rhyme or reason to much the PICU does sometimes. But whateves. Working there pays the bills.
Did my first 25k (15.5 miles) run and a trail run at that! Had a great time except for the crippling stomach cramps that had me doubled over in pain for most of the last 2 miles.

I went to Mexico with Staci in March! It was fabulous. We had perfect weather and got massages on the beach. In a word: awesome

I came home from vay-cay to a flooded basement and lived in chaos for the next 2 months

My little jewelry business is holding its own. It's paying for itself and a little more. Which is exactly what I hoped for.
But most importantly and tragically, I watched my dear friend Carrie "McT' Carroll be diagnosed and then pass away from leukemia. That's all I'm going to say about that now because Carrie deserves her own post. I'm speaking at the funeral on Friday and will create a post just for her after that.

Just shows that a LOT can change in 5 months. So live in the present and enjoy all the gifts of life that surround you! You just never know when they won't be there any more. Love and miss you, McT.

I'm in love, I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!

2009-12-16T20:34:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm in love. I have finally found the one I will be with forever. My Dyson Animal vacuum arrived last week and it is HEAVEN. HEAVEN, people! I finally feel like my house is actually clean. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The story of the vacuum began the week before Thanksgiving. Meredith and enjoy rug doctoring our carpets (another VERY satisfying cleaning experience!) every so often and she rented a machine and cleaned her carpets and then gave the machine to me to clean mine. Even though I vacuumed thoroughly beforehand, I was disturbed by how much hair (Sasha's not mine) the rug doctor pulled out of my carpet. There were literally handfuls of hair in the dirty water! So I convo-ed Mere and asked if she got any hair up when she did her carpets? None! BUT she has a Dyson Animal vacuum and I was using my increasingly unsatisfactory Hoover Elite Rewind. I'd been coveting a Dyson for some time but that experience sealed the deal. My Christmas present to myself (the single peeps out there have to take care of themselves!) would be a new vacuum.

Some Black Friday online shopping and a Kohl's secret sale led me to my wondrous purchase. I've taken pictures to demonstrate. And let me just say I filled up the canister three — THREE — times when I vacuumed for the first time! I was amazed at how much dirt it got out! It actually lightened the shade of my upstairs carpet! I could go on and on but I finally feel like I have successfully de-haired my house. It even pulled out long white animal hair! And none of the animals who live in or visit my house have long white hair! SICK!! But now, who cares?! The Dyson Animal will take care of EVERYTHING!

These pics came after vacuuming my living room upstairs. JUST my living room!! Incredible!

Also have to add a couple updates since my last entry. I'm very VERY pleased to say that my little business, Sunshine Girl Jewelry, is up and running! And even more astonishing, I've actually sold 2 baby bracelets to people in two different states! Amazingly Jamie in AZ and Muriel in SC loved my stuff on Etsy enough to pay me for it!! Totally awesome. The boutique was a great success as well, and I have all of my friends and family to thank! SO thank you thank you thank you to everyone for all the support. I enjoy making my little trinkets and am flattered that anybody likes it as much as I do. For now it seems like my business might actually be able to pay for itself — which is what I was hoping for! So if you're ever in the mood for some new jewels, I'd love to make something for you. Keeps me out of trouble.

I also went to Gaytopia, otherwise known as the Kathy Griffin concert. I know, I know. I have previously kept my liking of all things Kathy on the DL as she is quite foul. But oh so funny! We all have our guilty pleasures and her comedy is definitely one of mine. Anyway, LeeAnn and I went and the concert was great but it was also a cultural experience. 80% if the audience was homosexual. And I'm really not exaggerating. A lady who was sitting next to me with her boyfriend leaned over to me and said "I think we're out numbered!" Um, YEAH!! Understatement of the century! And everyone seemed to know each other! It's like they're all is some big club and somehow I happened to be in the same place. Or as LeeAnn put it, it felt like we were at their family reunion. Very bizarre. But funny!

Small update on the dating scene, I did actually go on a blind date with a normal boy. Thanks to Jessica P for the set up (my post about Man Boobs resonated as a call to action for which I am grateful). Nothing came of it BUT it was nice to realize again that there actually are normal single males out there. After the Kathy Griffin Cultural Experience it seemed like all the men were either crazy pervs like Man Boobs or gay. So it was nice to be given hope for an alternative. It gave enough fuel to keep my little hope torch burning. I'll admit it's a bit dimmer now than it has been before, but it's still burning! And for now that's enough.

So I'm soon to be embarking on my 33rd year of life! To kick things off in January I'm going to be thinking of the 33 things that make my life wonderful and the 33 NEW things I'm going to do next year. So get excited for those posts!!

Have to close with a couple pics of my cute little peeps who always give me hugs and make me feel like a million bucks! And THAT is awesome.

Chances are slim I'll actually post anything on here until after the holidays so Sasha and I are wishing you all the Merriest of Christmases and the Happiest of New Years!

D U N

2009-11-08T16:15:00.000-08:00

For the freaking love of all that is holy. Where are the normal decent guys? They MUST be out there! Maybe they're hiding in Home Depot or something. I know plenty of cute single girls (present company included) who don't list much besides a job and a decent personality as qualities they'd like in a boyfriend. But even those two qualities seem a bit lofty these days.

So let me clue ya'll in to the reason for my latest soapbox. In case you haven't heard, I'm single. And I've been out with a wide variety of dudes searching for my elusive EC. The pickings have never been particularly bounteous but sometimes they have been plentiful enough that I was hopeful some normal boys were in my midst. Sadly the pickings have become really slim lately. Ethiopian-starving-children-circa-"We are the World" slim. First there's Head Injury Widower Boy. I know, I name them all sorts of wacky things. But I've gone out with lots of Johns, Davids, and Matts so it prevents confusion.

Anyway, I first met HIW last year when I signed up with LDS Linkup — my first commitment to online dating. At the time he'd had a horrible injury and shattered his femur mountain biking. We talked on the phone a couple times and because of the way he talked and what he said I thought he must have sustained some sort of head injury (hence the name) and I wondered if his wife had died with this accident. And honestly widowers make me a little leery. I worry I'd never live up to the legend of the dead wife. You know what I mean? She could have been a total shrew but the lucky fact is that she popped it before her time and can therefore be immortalized in fantasy and reign atop her ivory tower for eternity. And then there's the whole thought of having to be a multiple wife in eternity. Ick! I know it will all get worked out in heaven, blah blah blah, but why take the chance if you can avoid it?

Anyway I got kind of an odd vibe and went out with some other guys and never talked to him again. So at the end of the summer I started doing more to drum up some business for myself and met up with HIW again. He bikes, I bike, we emailed about biking before it got too cold, then I got bronchitis so that was out for awhile. Anyway, we finally talked again. Struck me as a bit odd that he remembered NOTHING from last year. Nothing! Didn't remember we'd talked. Then the way he talked again — while not AS alarming — still made me wonder if he was just really shy/socially awkward or if he was a little messed in the head.

Last week I went to get my hair done and was chatting with my hair dresser about my pathetic love life (she hadn't heard about Circue du Soleil Boy or the current ones) and apparently her brother is HIW's roommate! Small world I tell you! AND he DID have a head injury!! More alarmingly he still has pictures of his dead wife all over the house (SEE!! Immortalized forever!!) and has major issues because he was driving when they had the horrible accident that killed his wife. I felt totally validated! Go with your instincts, people! And yes yes his whole scenario is terribly tragic blah blah blah. I feel bad for the dude. But not bad enough to willingly hook myself up to that baggage train!

My other dating option has been Man Boobs. I know. Unfortunate nickname. But he has them and at the end of this story you'll be thinking of worse nicknames for him anyway. So Man Boobs came to me via eharmony. And I hang my head down in shame that I didn't cut off ties to eharmony when I first cancelled my membership a few months ago. But I tell you now I have cut ALL ties to that organization! But that is a different rant for a different day.

Anywho, MB and I went through the whole eharmony schtick. After we got to the level where you can write emails to each other he asked if he could call. So I gave him my number. His profile lists him living in Newton, UT which is up near Logan so I didn't really think much about him. A couple weeks ago he texted me and we chatted via text for a couple minutes and then he asked me out. Found out he actually lives in Taylorsville so we made plans to meet up at Trolley Square. He told me I should wear something hot. I told him I'd be smoking hot because that's how I roll. He then told me he meant because it was cold out. Ha Ha. Whatever. So that became his little joke. "Wear something hot." Annoying but my standards are low.

So the day came for the date and I just couldn't face the thought of going out with him. He'd never called me and only ever texted and then had these "jokes" about me wearing something hot. Because it's getting cold out. Ha ha. I just wasn't emotionally willing to face him as my dating option. So I cancelled and he said he'd have had to cancel anyway.

We were both busy for the next couple weeks but he texted again this past Monday and since I was in a better emotional place, we made plans to go out Friday. Again with the wearing something hot nonsense. He's 30 btw. Not 18 as you may be thinking. Thursday comes and he texts me to ask if we're still on because "otherwise I've got a lot of side projects I could do." Ouch! Mind you I wasn't exactly clicking my heels at the thought of this date but I wasn't looking for a way out either! So we texted back and forth and I asked him why he would say that and that I had a party I could go to instead and should we just be done with trying to go out? He replied that he totally wanted to go out and his question just came out wrong. Whatever weirdo. When you CALL people you can avoid miscommunications like this!

Fateful Friday arrived. I got a text from him at 5 clarifying the time we were meeting. I replied but he kept texting me about what we could do after dinner. Movie? was one text. Makeout? was the next. I was replying to those two when he sent a third: Hot steamy sex? At this point I could be jokey and play along but he was starting to push boundaries. I told him he was getting ahead of himself and I didn't even know if he'd be bringing mints! It just went downhill from there. He said he'd bring mints and protection hahaha. I told him he needed a cold shower. He then asked if I wanted to join him. After that I stopped responding. But he kept on going! Told me to wear sexy panties. Asked if I liked it rough or soft and gentle. Yuck yuck YUCK!! 17 texts in 30 minutes! I felt totally violated and told him he'd made me uncomfortable and he totally crossed the line, we obviously didn't fit, and dinner was off. Stupid douche bag! All of this coming from a guy I nick named MAN BOOBS! The creepy loser! During our first text conversation he asked if I was Mormon. Because he asked the question I assumed he wasn't and replied that I was and if that turned him off. He replied, "oh no! I'm Mormon too. Just checking." Okay, he's Mormon but then he treats me like that! WTF?!! Thank goodness I never met this dirt bag! Ickity ick!!

And those two reasons are why I am done — DUN! I will no longer be accepting applications from crazy people. If I have a bad vibe about you, forget it! Let your freak flag fly someplace else! I'm not saying I won't be giving people the benefit of the doubt but I am releasing myself from guilt. If I don't want to go out with someone I don't have to do it. And that's just fine! Doesn't mean I'm extinguishing my hope of finding someone special. I'm just being a bit nicer to myself. As Meredith said, "are you REALLY going to marry someone you've nicknamed Man Boobs?" The answer is no. I never nickname the boys I like.

On to something positive. Even though dating times are less than ideal, I do have my jewelry to keep me occupied. I'm posting some pics of some things I've been working on. Most of you know I'm participating in a boutique on November 20th. After that I'll be setting up a storefront on etsy to sell my wares or you could buy them direct from me through my blog if you're ever interested. So here are some of my favorite pieces:

Bracelet made with magnesite stones and sterling sliver beads

various bracelets for babies - school age kids

Earrings with aquamarine stones wrapped with sterling silver wire and pearl drops attached to the bottom

Sterling silver leaf earrings

Bracelet with sterling silver and fresh water pearls

I almost forgot! I did have something fabulous happen this month! I got to live out my 7th grade dream and was on the front row at a B-52s concert! Totally awesome!! None of them have aged particularly well but Kate Pierson looked like she'd stuffed herself into a leather sausage casing and wandered there from rehab. Luckily her microphone was off at one point or she would have started singing too early when they sang "Roam." BUT it was still fabulous! They sounded awesome and Cindy Wilson and Fred Schneider were great. Here are a couple pics from that epic event:

Cindy beating her bongos

So there you have it. My life in the pathetic nutshell it currently resides. Keep on keeping on, peeps!

Plan B

2009-09-24T15:56:00.000-07:00

This week I got to babysit my two favorite little people two days instead of just the usual one and I had a lot of fun. Even though Wednesday Bea's nap was early in the day and not long — which made for a every emotional afternoon.

I discovered that she seriously digs chocolate pudding —which I used to my advantage after one of her more intense melt downs. Nothing calms nerves like a belly — and face — full of chocolate. The top picture was taken after her 4th cup of the day. Hee hee! Babysitter of the year right here! Good thing I bought it in bulk at Costco.

Sam's getting very good at keeping his head up. And he keeps growing! What's up with that?! Every time I see him he's sprouted another size.

Anyway, on day two of babysitting I had a little epiphany and came up with a back up plan in case I don't find the circus performer of my dreams. So Meredith has told me that I can share her children and dogs — really a win win situation. For me it's almost like being a grandparent. I can spoil them and love them but then give them back when they're grumpy or 16 years old. Since Bret seems to be willing to hang on to our relationship, I could get back together with him to get some action (some nooky on occasion would be nice) and a weekly date! Obviously I would have to draw up a legally binding contract that would keep him living in his house in South Jordan and keep me (and my credit) very safely away from his business debt. Genius, eh! I like to call it the Southam Plan. With all my love to Denise.

In other news, I'm kind of obsessed with plans to make some really cool jewelry pieces. Some of the girls at work (Kay Tamoa and Deana Snook Busch) sent out an email that they were putting together a craft fair thing for people to sell their handmade stuff. And I told them I'd be interested in selling my jewelry. Some of you know I make jewelry, most probably don't. Anyway, this fair thing has really lit a spark in me and I'm seriously excited to work with metals and create some unique stuff. I'm sure as weeks go by you'll be seeing pictures of the pieces I'm creating in here. I'm hoping to sell enough stuff to pay for some more metal to make MORE cool things! I'm even thinking of selling my stuff on Etsy. Definitely love to do it and it's given me something to focus on now that fall is approaching and my tan is fading.

It might even keep me from implementing Plan Southam for awhile . . .

Friend request

2009-09-10T19:42:00.000-07:00

*sigh*

Bret popped up again. It's been a couple months since I'd heard from him before last Thursday night. Pop up night. As per usual I got a random text asking how I was doing. Like we were chums. Like there was no history. Like it was perfectly normal for him to nonchalantly show up in my present tense. It really made me mad. Which is actually a good thing. Every other time he's done this I've been dating someone or about to go on a date I'd been anticipating. So every other time I'd had the crutch of another possibility to lean on for extra support to keep him at arm's length.

Although the wake of his previous pop-up in July sent me into a little emotional tailspin. For those keeping score at home, the last time I saw Bret was the day I went out with VNB Spencer, the circus performer in training. You know, the one with anger issues. It took a few days to crawl out of that emotional hole. It was the first time I really questioned whether I had made the right decision and if I really knew we weren't supposed to be together. And maybe he WAS as good as it would get for me. Ugly time and it left me bruised. What I discovered this weekend is I don't need a crutch any more. I'm done with him and this and I want to move on. THAT'S why I was angry. He keeps pulling off the scabs on emotional wounds that could have healed well — wounds that are now turning into angry keloid scars from so much irritation. (It's my bed time and I get a little melodramatic when I'm tired so bear with me)

Naturally, being Bret, he's not going away without a fight. Granted a passive aggressive fight, but a fight nonetheless. I blew off an invitation from him for dinner after my shift on Saturday and didn't hear from him again that weekend. Thought I was in the clear and that he'd finally taken the hint I wanted distance from him, until I woke up Wednesday morning. He'd sent me a message on facebook telling me that he'd finally joined and hoped I'd add him as a friend. RAGE. Rage rage rage. I knew I never wanted to see or hear from him again.

My rage simmered down through the day but before I lost my nerve (and after a text pep talk from Mere) I texted him to call me. That we needed to talk. Never a good sign, right? The "we need to talk" line? Figured it would let him know I meant business. I should have just texted him never to contact me again. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

He called and just chatted my ear off. We joked and teased each other and my anger melted to frustration. After 45 minutes or so I laid it out for him. Asked him what he expected from me and our relationship. Told him how hard it was for me when he popped up like this and that I had been planning to tell him to never contact me again but now I just don't know what to do with him. I told him that I never questioned that I made the right decision but every time he showed up in my life like this, he opened up all those feelings and I was starting to resent him for it and that it felt like he didn't care about how his decisions were affecting me. He then told me that he did consider that it was hard for me which was why he was trying not to contact me. But he couldn't not contact me! He figured he needed to at least check in to see how I was doing. He also couldn't say he just considered us friends. And he did still think about us and that we could get back together and that he would still really like to marry me, but he knows that's not where I'm at right now.

*sigh*

He just doesn't get it and never will. And at some point I will have to tell him to never contact me again. It just made me ache for the real deal. It was never Bret but I still don't know who it is. And it's nights like this that make me feel a little hollow inside. I'm alone with my cat and going to bed at 9:30 to gear up for a 3 day marathon of work. Feels pretty empty.

BUT

I am over him. Don't want him back and no longer have any doubts that I made the right decision. AND, more importantly, I got to watch my pseudo kids today and it was awesome. Meredith is back to work so I am getting back into my babysitting routine. And it really makes my day. Everything is good when Ms Bea comes and throws her arms around my neck for a hug. And Sam is getting bigger and cuter each day. I love them and they give me hope of good things to come. I know that we get to be angels in each others' lives and these two little people — and their parents — are definitely some of the many angels in mine.

Sam focusing very hard on keeping in his binki

Bea's new favorite place to sit and watch TV: the cat condo in my room

Getting in a little tummy time

Could you resist that face when she wanted to drink your Diet Mtn Dew?

M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E

2009-09-01T22:19:00.000-07:00

One set of freshly laundered scrubs: $40

One Diet Mountain Dew for the ride home: $1.25

Watching a wilted old man shuffle across the six lanes of Hwy 89 with his walker and oxygen to Southern Xposure (Utah's only full nudity club! Boo-yah!) from the bus stop : priceless. Literally made my weekend.

This was an awesome week. Flew to Anaheim with LeeAnn so we could spend her 35th birthday at the happiest place on earth. I hadn't been to Disneyland since . . . I don't know . . . 1997 maybe? Had no idea about California Adventure or any of that. And going with LeeAnn was fabulous because she knows all the Disneyland trivia so I had my own personal tour guide! It was a great day and a fabulous way to celebrate her birthday. She got to wear a birthday button and all the workers wished her a happy birthday everywhere we went! And I told everyone else (on the plane, at the hotel, at 7-11 . . .) that we were there to celebrate her day. I'm sure she wanted to kill me by the end but couldn't because murders aren't allowed at Disneyland!

LeeAnn holding her "golden ticket" allowing free admission on her birthday

LeeAnn looking cute and some lunatic with crazy hair and 50 chins on the airplane

No, thank YOU for celebrating with US, Mickey!!

This was the best tasting Diet Coke I've ever had. Which is why I'm making out with it. Best action I've gotten in ages.

Sassy!

We spent the next day lounging around Newport Beach and it was awesome! Super hot though. Felt like we were home lounging at the Great Salt Lake. Ha! Or not.

In tribute to the Bluth family and Arrested Development we stopped and got a frozen banana from a banana stand. "There's always money in the banana stand. . ."

Pretty much a fabulous two day vacation!

Hi ho, hi ho, . . .

2009-08-23T17:41:00.000-07:00

Curses!! I was tricked into renewing my membership in eharmony. I know, I know. HOW do you get tricked into something like that? It's not like they have an army of match making thugs who come to your house and threaten you until you agree to renew. But their REAL tactics are trickier and more difficult to avoid. Even though I cancelled my subscription in June (after the whole auto-renewing debacle when I vowed I'd never have dealings with them again) they really upped the number of "highly compatible matches" they were sending me. And it has never stopped! Even though I didn't think my account was active, people can see ME. And try to communicate. But I can't see them and communicate back unless I renew — which they will let me do for the ridiculously low price of $19.95 a month for 3 months! So I had this guy who really wanted to get in touch with me and the little voice in my head which gives me relationship advice starts telling me MAYBE this time it will work! Even though my logical voice was reminding me that I was matched (the whole "matched" business could lead to another rant session. Lies! Ridiculous freaking lies! Matched?! "Highly Compatible" based on our "27 dimensions of compatibility?!" Lies!!) with almost 200 guys during my first go-round and only went on a date with 1. And that guy was not all that intriguing. The discounted price was giving relationship voice more sway over logic than normal. I mean, what if this guy is "the one?" And is $20 really that much to pay for true love? Of course not! (you all answer in unison) So I renewed. And then I checked out persistent guy and he's not my type. Not at all. And none of the other 20 guys they matched me with were remotely intriguing. But now I'm locked in to this contract! Curses!! Logical voice has told me repeatedly that she told me this would happen. And she did. But I remain optimistic. Remember, I have statistics on my side!

Well, I returned to work this past week and it was rough. I really enjoyed my time off and went biking nearly every day. With my Gregg Bromka "Park City and Beyond" guide book in my bag, I set off exploring new trails. And I got lost on nearly every ride. Obviously Gregg and I have a dysfunctional relationship. He showed me new trails, but then promptly confused me mid-ride and led me into unchartered territory. The worst was my ride in The Canyons when I missed a turn off and ended up literally throwing my bike up a downhill only trail. Fortunately no one came barreling down as I was coming up . . . But each ride was punctuated with truly AWESOME stretches of trail that kept me coming back to him for tips on where to ride.

Looking toward The Canyons resort on Lower Holly's Trail

The trail in the distance is my way home: Ambush Trail

Me trying to throw my bike uphill. Had to stop and take a picture because it was so ridiculous! Doesn't quite capture how steep it actually was but it was nearly vertical

That's the sign I looked BACK to when I was finally on level ground

One of the fabulous sections of trail that kept me coming back to Gregg

Amazing view overlooking The Canyons

I love this picture! It illustrates why I love mountain biking: gorgeous ribbon of smooth packed dirt winding through meadows and trees...

This is my favorite picture from the week! I took this while riding John's in Park City. Awesome ride! Until I got lost and was seriously in need of food...

Well, I better go prepare for the reality of work tomorrow. I've been in serious need of an attitude adjustment as far as work is concerned, and I think this weekend gave it to me. I was put on call Friday and then had Saturday and today off and it's been heaven. Work life has been stressful for the past four months or so (much more so for Meredith and I don't know how she's survived it all) and it's definitely taken more of a toll than I'd realized. But this weekend I really feel renewed. I have a great job and get to do amazing things and I haven't been focusing on that. So starting this week I'm going to think of one thing, person, event each day that I'm grateful for so I can turn work back into something that I enjoy doing. I'll let you know how it goes...

Cautiously optimistic . . .

2009-08-08T19:22:00.000-07:00

Hmmm. My mood has changed since I logged on to make this post. I follow the blog of a patient I took care of quite a bit in the PICU and I was stunned to see on the headlines of the blogs I follow that he had passed away unexpectedly today. Granted, he had a life threatening diagnosis and was being evaluated for transplant in a different hospital to see if that could extend his life — so death wasn't necessarily a surprise. However, he had been doing well the day before! His mom was cautiously optimistic and they had been transferred out of the ICU. It just made my heart drop and made me realize how different my life could be. The things I face that seem so challenging are nothing . . . NOTHING compared to what this family has gone through over the past year. And now they're grieving for their little boy. I need to be better at cherishing each day for the gift it is and letting those I love in my life know how important they are to me because you never know what life will bring.

Moving on to less somber topics, I may as well give the updates on my dating life. And I must say I'm optimistic that I'm going to meet someone fabulous soon. Just based on the laws of probability I'm due for one! I've gone out on so many blah (and let's be honest, a little crazy) dates lately that statistically speaking the odds of me finding a gem are getting better and better! I went out with the guy that my friend Chatti set me up with this past Wednesday night. And as I predicted, he was not quite 5'6". Unless I have suddenly sprouted to 5'8" without realizing it. I mean, it IS possible since I've been wearing shorts so I wouldn't know that my pants were suddenly too short. Anyway, it was a fine date, but he was definitely NOT interested. I could tell he had been pressured into doing this by his mom. The guy lives in Cali and is heading back there this weekend so angels would have had to appear for anything lasting to come of it. He checked his watch a couple times and after an hour on the nose, the date was done and I was home.

And then there's persistent Spencer. AKA cirque du soleil boy. I've got to hand it to him because he keeps calling even though I have yet to respond. THAT is dedication! Too bad I'm just not interested because he is ready for a relationship.

This week I'm supposed to meet up with Kevin, a guy I met months ago through LDS linkup. Yes, I've done online dating. So if you're reading all this dating craziness and thinking "maybe she should look online." Been there, done that. Even signed up for eharmony late one night in January when I was feeling particularly unloved and dateless and contemplating reconciling with Bret to have someone back in my life. Linkup has been more fruitful than eharmony was though. Went out with 1 guy from eharmony and got matched with a 150. Not the best odds. AND they automatically renewed my subscription the DAY BEFORE it was going to expire and to get my money refunded I'd have had to fill out some ridiculous form and mail it in with my left kidney to a PO box in Kentucky — so I took the lazy way out and suffered through another 3 months.

Anywho, I'm supposed to meet up with Kevin sometime this week along with my friend Jackie's brother Jeff. We'll see if something pans out. But like I said, something good is coming soon. I can feel it! AND I'm statistically due so not only do I have a good vibe, I've got math on my side. What more does a girl need?

I need to catch up on some events of the past couple weeks. Firstly, the birth of Samson Dewey Richards on July 23rd! Mere's second adorable little babe. He's just a cute little squishy ball of peach fuzz. It's great to see Mere and Dave so happy. I really don't know what they're going to do with a boy, though!

Second, Katie and I climbed Mt Olympus together on July 25th in preparation to climb the Middle Teton. We went all the way up to the summit which I'd never done before. Kate did great but decided that the middle Teton might be more than she was up for so we ended up not climbing that, but our hike made for a fun day.

That's it for now. I'm currently enjoying my staycation from work and don't have to go back to PCMC until August 18th!! Yesssss!!! Tell those around you that you love them, hold your kids, kiss your significant other, call your parents, whatever. Thanks for reading and God bless.

Never never never again

2009-07-17T13:14:00.000-07:00

Holy crap it's hot today! I went for a road bike ride this morning but dilly dallied and ended up leaving at 9:30 instead of 8. Which meant I returned at 1230 instead of 11. And that hour and a half is when the earth decided to heat up like my ceramic stovetop. By the time I got home I was seeing stars since I hadn't TOTALLY planned to ride in that much heat. I brought water and gatorade but only 1 gel — and that packet of 100 calories definitely wasn't enough to get me through.

Although if I had left when I intended I wouldn't have talked to Chatti who had left a message for me to call her. It sounded fairly urgent so I was surprised when I got the question: "a lady in my ward wants to know if you are interested in going out with her son." Wow. Not what I was expecting. I told Chatti my only requirements for being set up on a date were that he have a job and not be a serial killer. She then told me that she didn't think he was a serial killer but he was between jobs, although he has several commercial properties and therefore has a steady source of income. Then she asked the question: "how tall are you?" Bummer. You know that means he's a shorty. And sure enough he's 5'6" — which really means he's 5'5". I've gone out on enough dates by now to know the code. Josh (an ex-BF who was not the best relationship choice, btw. I still wonder how that all happened...) always said he was 5'5" and he was maybe 5'4". When he was wearing tall shoes.

Anyway, Chatti then mentioned he is only here for a month. This seems to be happening a lot lately. Me getting set up with people who don't live in Utah or are in the process of moving someplace else, I mean. Last weekend I went camping with my family and my brother Jim came to me as soon as I arrived at the campsite and said, "I don't know if you feel comfortable talking about this in front of the entire family," which naturally made everyone stop what they were doing and turn to listen to this conversation, "but how do you feel about younger men?" My sister was closest and she said "Jill doesn't mind talking about THAT! Sheesh" Which is true. And then all my siblings started discussing Spencer (aka the VNB) and how incredible it was that I actually went out with someone who wants to train for the circus. My mother had kindly shared all the date details with my nearest and dearest. (As a side note, when I called to tell my mom about my date with Spencer she literally laughed uncontrollably for 5 minutes after I told her about his circus aspirations and then asked if I was thinking of getting back together with Bret who was now looking like a serious prize. >sigh<>

Wow, I'm digressing. AND wordy! Sheesh! I'm blaming the heat... Anywho, Jim then told me he wanted to set me up with his wife's nephew who was somewhere around 25 years old. After I made a face about his age the count went up ("no wait I think he might be 28. . ."). And he lives in Orem and is moving in a couple months. But I'm not complaining. People are very nice to think of me and you never know what will happen.

Speaking of Spencer the VNB, he's called a few times and I've stopped answering his calls. Judge me if you like, I'm judging myself a bit. It feels slightly immature but I don't think he'd be happy to hear the truth: "um, Spencer? Talking to you is entirely exhausting and I have to pump myself up to answer the phone." No one wants to hear that! So I'm saving us both some heart ache and pain.

Anyway, blah blah blah. On to the title of this post: I finished my deck! And it was a horribly awful and torturous process. The stain I chose says it's guaranteed for 5 years. Let me just tell you, in 5 years when it needs to be redone I will either be moving or hiring someone to do it for me. Blech!!! I'd rather repaint my entire house again! >shudder<>

My mostly sanded deck ready to be stained

And the end result!

Bea approved my choice of color

Now I'm off to get ready for my first BBQ! Little Bea and her sisters (and Meredith and Dave) are coming for dinner and I've got some errands to run beforehand so I'd better get going . . .

Rainy days and Mondays . . .

2009-07-04T14:09:00.001-07:00

Last week's DIY project was to stain my badly cracked cement patio. And while the weather forecast last Sunday looked like my 4 days off in a row last week (a little slice of heaven, FYI) would be ideal weather to get this done, by Tuesday rain clouds were appearing on the forecast for Thursday and Friday. And although Wednesday night was supposed to be rain free, big rain drops started falling as I was trying to sweep and vacuum off the cement in preparation.

Thought I'd share a few of the things I learned thoughout this process:

1) If you are using a product with acid in the title (like my cement acid stain) do yourself a favor and cover up ALL exposed skin. Who cares if the sun is shining and you'd like to improve your tan while improving your yard?! Wear long pants and closed toed shoes. Acid+skin=burning pain
2) Don't forget to actually use the protective paper and painter's tape you bought to cover up your white vinyl fence. Acid will not only eat away your skin but it will eat away your pristinely white fence. Your fence will forever and always look very very dirty along the bottom edge where you inadvertently sprayed your fabulous caramel and walnut stains. Acid+ANYTHING=burning pain — although in this case the pain is just the emotional turmoil you experience each and every time you stare at the evidence of your poor planning.
3) Don't let your ex-boyfriend come over. Even though he seems to think you're now "friends" and ya'll can hang out without emotions coming into play, you know better. So listen to yourself and save your friends the pain of listening to you and your crazy thoughts of "did I make the right decision to end things?" and "maybe I should have pushed therapy more than I did. Maybe all our relationship needed was a really talented therapist." Don't play that game. Follow Nancy Reagan's advice and Just Say No. Acid+Bret+ReallyCrazyBlindDate=burning pain

You may now be curious about my Really Crazy Blind Date and what that means, exactly. Most of you know I've had a few of these RCBD's in my dating time so I'll give a brief rundown of this RCBD's stats — although keep in mind this guy is a VNB (very nice boy):

He is training to be in the circus. Not kidding. He wants to breathe fire and stuff. And he has a performance this Saturday where he will be dressed in a fat lady's outfit and be set on fire and cut in half or something.
He folds his dollar bills into origami snails and even pays for things with his "snails." I included a picture of the example he left with me. Can't make this crap up.
He goes blues and swing dancing every week and during our post dinner walk to blockbuster he spun me out and twirled me around in random spontaneous dance sequences. Even and including picking me up off the ground (he gets props for not herniating a disc or grunting with the effort), spinning around, and dipping me for added drama.
He was married before and blames his divorce on the issues he had (and still has) from his parents' divorce, his lack of effective communication with his wife, his anger issues, and his lack of a motivating force pushing him to be his best. That little conversation was the appetizer to dinner.
He's 32 and working in a job without benefits.

>sigh<

After hearing that description of my latest prospect is it any wonder I was debating giving my relationship with Bret another try? Both my parents commented on how changed Bret seemed to be on Friday when the met him again. Oh yes, Bret came over while my parents and LeeAnn were helping me seal my concrete and all were amazed that he talked and was charming (my dad had previously compared his personality to a dead tree stump in my yard). And LeeAnn got to listen to him describe how overwhelmed he was feeling lately and how he might lose his job again.

Anyway . . .

Will I go out with VNB again? Of course! I've got nothing else to do and he wasn't hideous. Just a bit crazy. And I can't afford to be too picky since my biological clock is ticking away. This interesting detail was pointed out to me yesterday by the 23 year old nursing student I worked with. Although he did save himself when he told me I did NOT look 32. Maybe 28 . . . And with my increasing age my standards for dating are getting lower.

Look forward to next week's posting about my DIY project for this week: stripping and restaining my wood deck! And hopefully planting a lilac bush. I know, truly THRILLING!

What . . . a whirlwind

2009-06-24T11:48:00.000-07:00

Getting a bit behind so I figured I'd better post something today before I rationalize my way out of it again. So first things first

My birthday! Katie, Jon, Staci, and LeeAnn came over that night and we had dinner and cake! Staci made the cake (spice cake with toasted coconut frosting. YUM!) of course and it was fabulous as usual. My p's were on their way out of town with my brother Ken and his kids. Ken's mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly and they were all heading up for the funeral in Twin Falls. But they stopped by on their way and dropped off an enormous Costco sheet cake (carrot cake with apricot cream frosting in the middle. YUM again!) to make up for their absence. And my sister also stopped by with her kids and THEY brought ice cream cake (chocolatey caramel goodness. YUM cubed!). Lots of cake that day! No wonder I've gained 5 pounds!

BAM! Short for the Battle At Midway triathlon. My first race of the season and I was underprepared and unfocused! Awesome! But luckily I'd paid in advance and was committed to doing it. And I'm so glad I did because it was awesome! I freaking loved it! Even the swim portion which is normally my most hated event. Although my swim time was slower than last year— amazing since last year I treaded water for several minutes at the start trying to decide if I REALLY wanted to swim in 52 degree water in 42 degree weather—I managed to knock off 3 minutes from time. Made me really wish I'd trained harder for this since I missed my time goal by 31 seconds. Ouch. But the experience was awesome and made me excited to do some more. It was fun to have Dave there and doing it with me.

West Yellowstone! This past weekend Staci and I headed up to West Yellowstone for a much needed mini-vacation. We were lucky that the weather stayed pretty decent for our trip. It was very pleasant on Saturday and when it rained it didn't rain long. Until night time when it got cold and rainy and stayed that way into Sunday. Naturally the weather cleared up behind us as we drove home.

Our hotel room was sketchy at best. Had obvious structural problems and the pool and hot tub were less than inviting. "Closed for the season" we were told. Would that season be summer? Hmmm. Found out it was rated as the next to worst hotel in West Yellowstone. We switched rooms since our first room hadn't been cleaned since it was built in the 1980's and the second one wasn't nearly as bad. A pack of clorox wipes later and we felt right at home. With our shoes on at all times of course.

Staci giving one of her new friends a kiss

Taking pictures of poop for later identification. Stace was convinced we were going to be attacked by a bear, bison, or other large animal while we hiked and wanted to find out which animals were sharing our trail.

That brown smudge is actually a bear! Not sure which kind but it was really close to the road and created a VERY long traffic jam while everyone stopped to get pictures

We passed right by this massive elk on our first hike. It was laying down in the brush 15 yards from the trail!

We were very curious how hot the water was coming from the different hot springs so we took turns seeing how hot everything was. I know. We were so very daring! We even left the path in a couple sections even though signs warned us not to do it. Ha!!

Pierced

2009-06-07T09:48:00.000-07:00

It’s official. I now have pierced ears. I know, I know. You just felt the earth move beneath your feet. Or maybe you saw chunks of sky fall and land dangerously close to your newly painted toenails. Or whatever. To answer the question I can sense on the tips of your respective tongues: no, I have never pierced them before. My ears, that is — in case you were unsure to which body parts I was referring. And neither had my 67 year old mother, whose idea it was to get her own ears pierced and drag me along for the fun. Her birthday was last Saturday and mine is today so she thought it would be a fabulous birthday bonding moment if we both ventured to Claire’s and did the deed together. It has been a lot of fun, actually. Unless I accidentally bump the studs and have sharp stabbing pains coursing through my body. It is freakish how tender your ears can be. And although I never thought I would enjoy earrings, I really like my new accessories. And so does my mom. Just shows it’s never too late to try new things.

But that was just the beginning of my week! It’s been interesting. Let me give some background: before last Sunday I was having a serious case of The Sads and really wondering if I’d made the right decision to end my relationship with Bret. Even though I broke up with him 6 months ago, he has continued to text me and our text conversations generally end with him telling me how much he misses me — which never allowis total closure to our relationship. He had started texting me regularly again at the beginning of May and like I said, I was starting to really miss having someone in my life. I’d been on some really bad dates which made me remember more of the good things about my relationship with Bret and allowed me to minimize the things that convinced me we weren’t right for each other. I hit a low point last week and ended up laying in my hallway having a big ugly sob fest for no apparent reason (I’m blaming it on hormones).

My mood stayed low and I was struggling to get myself back together emotionally. I think I finally figured out why it was so difficult! So after my emotional break, I wanted to talk it out and try to regain control of my situation. So I called up my peeps to chat it out and told them all about my sob fest and how unstable I’d been feeling BUT I didn’t mention what happened AFTERWARDS! While on the floor as Sasha sniffed worriedly at my head, I started praying. And praying and praying. For peace, for understanding, for reassurance that I wasn’t a crazy person. And it came! The peace came and the suffocating fear left. I knew everything would be okay and that although I had no idea what the crap was happening in my life, the Lord did and it was under control. Why I didn’t share this crucial bit of information with my friends . . . I don’t know. All I dwelt on was the negative feelings to led to me losing hope and that left the window open for those feelings to linger.

So this past Sunday during church is when I had this epiphany and the peace and clarity returned. Not a moment too soon since Bret texted me that night wanting to go biking Saturday (yesterday). I was apprehensive about the whole thing and really didn’t want to see him. With my renewed perspective came a reminder of all the reasons why we weren’t a good

match and I had no desire to see him. But then I became curious to see what it would be like. So I went and we biked up Mueller Canyon (seriously LAME ride! That trail is so freaking crowded on the weekends that it wasn’t much fun. I almost hit 3 people coming down the trail...) It ended up being a good thing for me, I think. Being

with him reminded me of some things that really

REALLY bugged when we were together. And I didn’t have to care! I could tease him mercilessly and not be worried about hurting his feelings. But we can never truly be friends! He thinks we can be but I’d never feel comfortable talking about truly personal things with him. And even though I don’t want to be with him I don’t want to hear about who he’s dating! But I survived it all! And I’m still a faster biker than he is which makes me happy.

All in all a great week. I managed to pass my advanced CV presentation — which I had to whip out in less than 12 hours since I’d written the date down wrong and had to give it a day earlier than I had planned. And I got in some really good mountain bike rides, hung with my girl Bea, and my other girls Meredith and Dave. (Just kidding Davey!)

Life is good!

Why not?

2009-05-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking lately that it might be good for me to actually try to keep a journal of sorts. Somewhere I can keep track of my random thoughts. And I also realized I haven’t documented many of the major events of my life recently (i.e. buying a house, transforming my house, laying sod, etc.) and I may as well give it a try. And since it’s all the rage these days I thought I’d try a blog. Even if no one knows about it besides Sasha it's got to be a good idea, right? Going to try to record something in here once a week. Ish.

My goal for the summer is to make each day some type of adventure. I want to explore new trails, go biking with new friends — maybe even join a bike club or two! And I want to do some climbing and backpacking this year. It’s been 5 years since I’ve gone anywhere and I’m anxious to get out of the valley.

So to accomplish all this, I’m going to take my camera with me on everyday adventures and I’m going to make my life into more of what I want it to be. . . actually exciting!